When the rubber meets the road

 Thankfully, my blood counts are finally normal. We met with the NP yesterday and I asked to postpone my next chemo for a week so I can be OK for Thanksgiving at which all our kids and grandkids plan to be together. I hope this doesn't effect the planned bone marrow biopsy and appointment with the T Cell Lymphoma oncologist, Dr. Haverkos. The appointments have had to be rescheduled twice because of the infections.  If the bome marrow biopsy shows no cancer cells, I hope to not have the last chemo infusions and plan to opt out of the transplant. If they find cancer cells, as they did the last time, making the lymphoma stage 4, I'll have to reevaluate.  Praying. xoxo

 We woke to a spectacularly bright beautiful day. It's going to be sunny all day and in the 50s; we've gotten more than 2 feet of snow over the past 3 days. They were good days to stay in. Tuesday I felt so normal after having chemo the previous Wednesday. I met with my Al-anon sponsor and friend and we spent a fun afternoon with our grandkids. I went in for my bi-weekly labs and was stunned to fund out I was running around the world with pretty much no immune system. My neutrifil count, which is essentially my white blood cell count had gone from high the Friday before the almost nil. It was .5 when it should be at least 4.  The doctors office called to tell me I should isolate and watch for signs of infection. I woke the next morning with a sore throat and runny nose but no fever. I have been feeling so good; it was quite a surprise.  I enjoyed the 3 days of almost constant snow.  Friday I did labs again and was again surprised that my number had only gone to .7. T...

 What a blessing to have a really nice day and be able to fully enjoy it.  Sitting in the chemo chair the other day, I realized the anxiety I've been struggling to manage had lifted. It just wasn't there any more. It's a bit ironic, because it is natural to think I have anxiety because of the treatments and my fear that the side effects could get worse as we go forward. But it was gone and I knew it.  Anxiety is so different than worry. Worry we can controlled, thought through, rationalized. Anxiety is helped by deep breaths and other coping techniques, but it feels more physical and out of immediate control. I have gone on a medication called Cymbalta and we just raised the dosage to 30mg about a week ago. Maybe it is working. I don't really care how, but I know it is an answer to prayer.  Anxiety is exhausting and not in line with healing.  I am grateful to have been given a reminder of what mental distress feels like. It makes me much more compassionate. I ne...