A tougher time this chemo

 Chemo #4, after which I posted last time, I felt really good. I said to a few people, "If I didn't know better, I'd question if they even gave me chemo and immunotherapy." I didn't know if it was because I had increased my thyroid meds, gone on the anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs, or what. I thanked God so many times for that month or so. I felt free to live (even when I needed to isolate for 2 weeks). 

I have Chemo #5 a week ago Wednesday and it has been the complete opposite. I have just felt lousy. I do a bit around the house or whatever, and then I need to lay down. I have joint pain in my hips that radiates down my thighs, especially when I try to sleep, because I sleep on my sides. I have a ton of mucous that gags me and has made me vomit (I've tried the teas, anti-mucous drugs, herbs... nothing seems to help.) I've had this before and it finally resolved but it's distressing. The neuropathy in my feet and hands is worse. I bought some balm but I'm not convinced it's helping. I've been told not to take B vitamins right now as there is some evidence it can accelerate cancer. I still take the basics with all the Bs in balance, in small quantities. 

My which blood cell count plummeted again so I'm in isolation. As they've explained, they can give a person all the antibiotics in the world but, if their immune system isn't there, it won't pull them out of an infection. When the doctor said this, it has helped me take this seriously. 

I see Dr. Haverkos this Tuesday, 12/11/24 for a "consent" meeting. This is the meeting during which I consent to the transplant. I still have 1 chemo scheduled for Dec. 18; the transplant would be after the first of the year. I'm feeling less and less inclined to go through with either one. As I've shared here before, some of the most helpful advice I received early on was that my body would tell me what to do and that I could change course if needed. Well, I think my body is telling me it is too dangerous to continue with chemo and completely destroying my immune system as is needed for the transplant just doesn't feel right. 

I once told my oncologist, who questioned why I didn't jump into "treatment" that I felt their treatment could destroy my "other health." Once I had too many lymphoma symptoms and they became life threatening, it made sense to take that chance. Dr. Haverkos once said we could use chemo if needed, to beat back the lymphoma. That seems to be what we did with the first few rounds of chemo. Now it seems destructive. 

It gives me anxiety to have to go up against people who deal with these diseases daily, which I really don't know much. I've been very fortunate that good doctors have helped me navigate this for so long, even when I didn't do what they urged me to do. I've known people who have been "fired" by their doctors for the same reason. I know I need to be true to what I think is right to me. Of course, there are all the "what if's" to grapple with. 

I've known from the beginning that I am totally safe. That My Maker is for me and working all things out for my good. I also have those human moments when I just don't want to make a wrong turn and regret it later. 

Thank you for your prayers. God bless and keep you and yours!