Hip pain and some sense of ... confusion

The oncologist really wants me to be taking Metformin. That surprised me on my last visit with Dr. Mellott because I thought that was more of an "alternative" thought. There is an organization called Care Oncology that has people take Metformin to minimize spikes in glucose in the body that can feed cancer as insulin goes up and down. My blood sugar and blood pressure have gone up since taking so much Prednisone these past few years. Care Oncology also has people take an antibiotic, chronically, which is one of the reasons I haven't signed up for their program. They also prescribe an anti inflammatory and an anti-parasitic like Fenbendizole, which I take. Each has a different purpose to help the body deal with the different drivers of cancer. 

Anyhow, I told her I had trouble tolerating Metformin in the past so she had me try a time-released version. I was happy not to be nauseous or anything; but, after having gone to the chiropractor and starting to take lots of pain killers for intense hip pain, I woke yesterday morning with the recollection that I'd had this kind of hip pain with Metformin before. I checked out possible side effects and it is confirmed...Metformin can give this pain. I have stopped the medication and ordered Berberine, which is touted as a natural form of this drug with many of the same benefits. We shall see. 

I haven't had to take pain meds since stopping the drug, although I still experience some pain in my right hip as the drug leaves the body. It is a relief to apparently have an answer. 

Emotionally, I find myself in a strange place. Am I taking care of myself or am I spinning my wheels? 

I've been doing castor oil packs on my neck and think the swollen lymph nodes pressing on my wind pipe are better. There are fewer times during the day when I am aware of the choking sensation. I have been trying to get more exercise and eat well. I am aware that I don't expect to beat this but manage it. That has meant allowing myself naps and such, as needed, without the kind of extreme effort I once gave this. Life is just so strange - not really striving for anything, which has always been a source of energy and passion for me. There are times I feel a subtle sense of panic - like I'm losing myself. Then, I am so grateful to be retired and financially stable with very little real stress. I say "real stress" because I can cause stress by how I think. I'm tired of being focused on myself, rather than focused on goals and efforts to effectively and positively act on the world in ways that are exciting. On the other hand, I feel I have no choice but to stay the course.

I have the grand kids tomorrow. Andy is working with our sons a lot - their Christmas light installation businesses are booming! Being with the little ones will surely get me out of this funk and remind me how blessed I am to have the time and energy to be their Nama. Their love and my love for them is the most powerful force in my life right now. I continue to work a 12 step program that helps me keep focused on the present and trust the future to God. It helps me a lot in my relationships too. I woke tonight thinking about 3 things I need to make amends for soon. I just met with my spiritual director who reminds me to rest and trust and that I don't need to earn my place on this earth, as I've tried to do all my life. I just finished the book, All the Light We Cannot See, which reminds me to be thankful for my easy and secure life and that it could change at any time, so don't take it for granted. We are working our way through Practicing the Way; Rules of Life study with our church meal group, which is helping me focus on and adopt more of the spiritual practices modeled by Jesus. Worship music helps me keep my mind on the eternal and the One who is with me now and who I'll be with forever. We just went to a Brandon Lake and Phil Wicham concert, which was awesome. Life is good. I just need to stay focused on the present and the eternal and I'm fine. I hope you are at peace tonight.