Breathing a sigh of relief

I woke yesterday morning with no anxiety and even a lightness in my step I haven't felt lately. The day before, out of desperation, I took my Bible outside and bundled up in the sun, only to find myself actually meditating and praying for a very long time. It started as I fell into Psalm 40, which a person shared as "her psalm" many years ago when I was working through a 12-step program for codependency. 

 

 I waited patiently for the Lord;

And He inclined to me,

And heard my cry. 

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

Out of the miry clay,

And set my feet upon a rock, 

And established my steps. 

He has put a new song in my mouth --

Praise to our God;

Many will see it and fear, 

And will trust in the Lord.

It was strange to have absolutely no urge to open my eyes or move to some other activity. I watched my thoughts come and go, focused on my breath some, and did some Ho'oponopono - style prayers, which have helped me greatly lately and in the past. I talked with God, listened, and heard. It was quite remarkable for me. How I've chided myself for not consistently spending quiet time with God like this. Between this timely gift and the prayers of so many, the scary levels of anxiety and even mental instability I was experiencing evaporated and I was able to face the PET scan with so much - dare I say - peace?

One thing I did yesterday that I haven't done before is use high-dose Melatonin to help protect my body from the radiation. I was so leery of taking 300 mg of Melatonin, 15 pills of 20 mg each. I've never taken that much before and don't know anyone personally who has. There is research showing that it is protective with no side-effects. And, unlike the 3 - 5mg many people take to help them sleep, it is not supposed to make you sleepy. There are many people in the wellness cancer world who suggest 180mg daily as an anti-cancer strategy, again with no sleepiness. I asked my hubby to take me to the early morning scan, just in case it knocked me out, making it dangerous for me to drive.

I couldn't tell if the extreme sleepiness I felt yesterday after getting home from the scan, port flush, and breakfast was due to the Melatonin or was it because I had been up since 3am. I often wake up about that time these days, unable to go back to sleep. I find it interesting that I did this for years before I turned my diet around in 2014 and lost a ton of weight. I have gained a lot of the weight back this last couple years, partially due to Prednisone and partly because I have been eating gluten and dairy again, I believe. And too much wine. It's as if a switch has flipped (probably meaning my gut isn't healthy again) and I am back to the patterns that plagued me all my life.

I slept and slept and felt so much better. 

I was shocked to receive a notification that my scan results were in the same afternoon. I love that UC Health releases lab results and scan results right to our portal. It's as if they believe this is your body and you have the right to them whereas so many systems require the doctor to release them first and this can take a lot of time. My heart started to pound and I had to pause and pray, "Lord, no matter what the results, I will trust you with this." 

Essentially, they found some existing lymph nodes are significantly larger but no spread, no new organ involvement, NO SIGNS OF NEW DISEASE. I just couldn't believe it. Again, as has happened before, I was convinced I was in trouble. I just haven't been feeling well. 

The relief I felt made me realize how scared I've been. I sometimes wonder if it's good to be connected to so many groups dealing with this and other cancers on social media. I see and often feel the horror stories. I am very aware of the statistics and, as I've shared, the "experts" have painted a very dismal picture. I am grateful that my experience has been so different but it can also be hard to keep my head straight. 

I am also starting to think that one or more of the four Epstein Barr Virus strains I've tested positive for might be raging right now. I also know that my fitness level and diet have gradually been declining over the last couple years. It is so much harder to address the fitness thing now than when I was younger. I am reminding myself to be gentle here, rather than beat myself up and mentally and physically overdue it. 

My oncologist sent me a message, "The PET scan doesn't look too bad. How do you feel?" I am still amazed that I got the results and heard from her on the same day. I wrote back that I have been very fatigued and short of breath and just not feeling well but that I would rest up, eat well, and exercise after traveling and overdoing it lately to see if that helps. And that I think I need to get off the Prednisone so I still want to pursue trying Duvilisib.

Anyhow, I am breathing a sigh of relief, encouraging myself to spend more quiet time with God with no agenda but to spend time with him, and to be gentle on myself - mind, body, and soul. 

Thanks for the prayers! xoxo