Kind of ignoring that there is a problem

It is so confusing sometimes - to me, and I know to others. What the heck is going on? 

I am not in remission but the Lymphoma does not appear to be killing me. The standard model is that if you have cancer, you need to cut it out, burn it with radiation, kill it with chemo, or use an immunotherapy (that is not as innocuous as people tend to think). But, what if it is there but it isn't killing you? 

I'll admit, it takes a lot of faith to not really know. You have a scan or bloodwork or whatever, but it could "ignite" the day after and you'd be in trouble, right? 

As I've shared here, I know I have been fortunate. I have met people and am in contact with many who were so sick right away that they didn't have choices. On the other hand, I am also in contact with people who were like me...diagnosed with swollen lymph nodes and biopsies, symptoms that are bothersome like night sweats and swollen hands, feet, joints... I've had some rashes. They are jumped into treatements that are so toxic and they almost always relapse. Sometimes only a couple weeks after transplant. I just can't imagine...But, something told me not to panic and to go slow in the decision making. And, for me, it seems to have paid off so far.

I've been in a very strange place though. It's like, "If I'm going to be here awhile, what am I going to do with my life and time?" I've had sort of a "pass" this last 4.5 years or so. I was always so overly committed and I had to put a lot of stuff down. It was sometimes a relief, sometimes I grieved. I so loved my job and the people I worked with. Then Covid hit and it all changed anyhow. 

A very good friend and insightful advisor helped me yesterday. I was very anxious the last few days about ...everything. My family relationships, the smoky air making me think more about all the news is saying about the dismal state of the earth, the political situation (is China really orchestrating so much of what is going on to take over?), Covid and the misguided way it's been handled, leaving us all to make huge decisions with ridiculous guidance, the dissension and disrespect I see for people with differing points of view, the degradation of freedoms in our country. I find myself thinking of the old saying, "I may not agree with you but I'll die for your right to say it." Is that really gone? 

My question for him in the midst of my anxiety was "What is MY response to be to what I think is off kilter," as my mom would say. He helped me see that in the past I always had ways to improve the world in my own way. I was so fortunate to do the work I did, get paid well while working to help the marginalized use the systems in place to improve their lives. Now...I'm just left taking care of myself, essentially, and it's eating at me. I can't fix everything, but I can do something. 

I've given myself a year to rest from striving as I've done my whole life, time to reflect, get our estate simplified and clear, redirect and modify our retirement accounts, get settled in our home after 3 years of commuting to CA, etc...

I have a dream of building a little community on our property for former foster youth to use to get on their feet with mentoring and reimbursement of all their rent to help them get started in life. My friend is helping people incubate businesses and needs a counselor of sorts for some of his mentees. I sometimes think of getting some training and becoming a counselor for Focus on the Family or something like that. If I really wanted to dig in, I'd love to do the Chaplain program at Denver Seminary. I think I could be good at that position in a medical setting. I trust I'll be let to the right place for me - a place where I can feel I am contributing and serving. 

Anyhow, my most recent PET scan was no surprise, the Romedepsin worked, but I already know it was temporary. Symptoms are coming back, I'm back to 15mg Prednisone, blah blah blah. But, I feel pretty good. In fact, I just went backpacking for the first time (although it was rained out with hail so it was a very short trip). 

Jesus, I am in your hands. Thank you for showing me what to do thus far and for blessing our decisions. Please continue to lead and help me do what I need to do to stay well and lead me to the next adventure, serving others as you commanded us to do while spreading the truth of your love. Amen

xoxo