Jan. 1, 2021

I can only title this entry by the date. I have no ideas of what to write. I sent out a lot of Christmas letters this year and mention the blog. What kind of a blog is it with no recent entries? 

Here we are on Jan. 1, usually my favorite day of the year, with absolutely no idea what I am doing. My New Year's resolution is to move daily...walk or row or hike or whatever - until I sweat daily. No excuses. Just do something every day to move this body of mine. Living in a new climate with much colder weather is challenging for this native Southern Californian. But it is doable. 

As far as all the other stuff ... coffee enemas, smoothies, supplements by the handfuls, ... I don't quite know where I'm at with it all. I get recommendations almost weekly. It's hard to explain to people why I can't jump on the bandwagons. It's so funny....people will say..."If you'd only...." (take this remedy) or "It's only 4 times a day..." "This is how I do it..." I just can't take on more than I am doing. Something shorted out in me awhile back and I can't seem to reboot. I am hoping it is a matter of trust. When I am healed...it will be God because I was unable to do it. 

I am doing the cannabis full plant product at night. If I wake up in the middle of the night and stand up, I'm pretty dizzy and woozy. At least it helps me go back to sleep. There were years I didn't sleep well through the night. I still do Lomatium and Vitamin D nightly too. I am on Prednisone and will evaluate that in a few days with my oncologist. I'm always scared of what she'll say. She's so afraid of a lung infection from it; I have felt short of breath lately and my left tonsil is incredibly swollen, making it hard to eat and sleep and breathe sometimes. 

I'm not sure how to restart my life today. It is my first official day of retirement. I am only 56 and need goals and dreams...but I don't know where to start. I've read a book that suggests taking 6, 9, 12 months of rest before deciding. I want to serve but I'm scared to jump into anything. And I'm afraid not to. At least with the pandemic, I have a ton of company in the uncertainty.

I just watched the movie, Judy, on Netflix and we've been watching The Crown. How odd to watch movies about people when you know their outcome (early death without feeling like they'd really reached some destination they were meant to meet while here on earth). It makes me think of my mother, a somewhat tragic figure who was often disillusioned with how her life turned out. It has me thinking about how I feel like I haven't arrived yet, somehow. But I have absolutely no idea how to proceed.