A Healing Prayer Session and a Fork in the Road

A few days ago, I saw a workshop advertised that grabbed my attention. It was a workshop on Healing Generational Curses. Talk about outside my wheelhouse. But it drew me in, was reasonably priced, and worked into my schedule...so I signed up. I didn't watch last night's 2 hours and missed some of today's presentations so I bought the recordings. The scary part came when they offered me a personal prayer session, which I just finished with. 

I have always known Jesus and have been blessed beyond my wildest hopes as an adult. I often have thought of my grandad who was a sincere lover of Jesus, wondering if his prayers for his often troubled daughter and her 6 children could be part of the reason why Andy and I and all our children have faith down deep that blesses and directs our lives. And...my brothers and sisters are amazing, functioning, loving people with fantastic kids and grandkids! 

On the other hand, I have dealt with a dread that somehow the filth of my conception and upbringing and the way I lived my life as a young adult could be plaguing me now through illness, confusion, and pervasive sadness. Since I was diagnosed with an "incurable lymphoma," I have prayed more for the emotional stuff to really heal than I have for the physical stuff to resolve. Somehow I have come to believe that the one is directly related to the other so no amount of chemo or drugs will take care of the physical without the emotional/spiritual healing that feels so elusive. 

I'm meeting with a therapist again. I've done a ton of Recall Healing sessions. EVOX. A little EMDR. Lots of Mind over Matter meditation and such (which I have trouble sticking with). There are times I despise myself that I can't seem to do what I need to do. I can't get myself to eat right, detox right, take all the supplements and herbs, blah blah blah. I've come to a place where, if I am healed...we will all know it was God and him alone because I can't do it. 

I just spent 1/2 hour on the phone with total strangers in New York who prayed with and for me and declared my healing. They had me repeat prayers, declaring that I am a daughter of the King and that, just as scripture promises, he wants the very best for me. 

I'm 56 years old, yearning for purpose and direction and passion again. I want to feel like myself but I am all-to-aware that I have spent much of my life running from myself through achievement and over-commitment, and defining myself through others' expectations and approval. 

I so want to "get it!" I am loved because I am his and it doesn't matter if I ever achieve or serve again....his love for me will not increase or decrease. I am worthy to be alive and thrive. I so badly want clarity about where my life is heading...or maybe that is the point - I just need to trust day by day. 

And...I am at a fork in the road. Dr. Shustov suggested I try Duvilisib, which is not FDA approved for T-Cell Lymphoma until you fail cytotoxic chemo. The insurance company has denied approval. My doctor is appealing. If the insurance company says no again, they will appeal to the manufacturer for help with the cost. There is also Romedepsin I could try. I pray and am asking others to pray for God to open the doors or close the doors for my good. Of course, if the uncomfortable and worsening swelling in my throat and swollen lymph nodes in my neck could just resolve, and I could wean myself off the prednisone without all the other symptoms returning - that would be great. I have a PET scan this week and that being completely clear sure would be great too. I have been so grateful as each PET scan has been stable - to the total shock of the oncologists. I feel greedy to ask for me but, I'm really weary of all of this. 

And...I have been seriously exposed to Covid-19, which could complicate the next couple weeks pretty good too. Who knows, maybe God will use that to cure the lymphoma.