Watermelon tomorrow! And some random thoughts.

 I just haven't felt like posting. I usually do when I have some resolution of an issue or something to talk about. I've just been getting through the days, working on a report for work, and watching too many cooking shows on TV. /-;

I'm not down or depressed but I think I am disappointed down deep. My inflammation hasn't really resolved. When I got here, my hands and wrists were very thin; a few days off the prednisone and they started swelling up again and they really haven't gone down. The back of my knee is pretty swollen. I can feel some kind of a new nodule behind my left tonsil I suppose I'll need to get checked out. The doctors can't see it and, like almost all of them for the past 3.5 years, they shrug their shoulders. 

The disappointment relates to the disappointment that can creep in that God hasn't healed me as so many have asked him too. 

Of course, I have periods when I am grateful for the journey and for the leading I have felt through it all. I recognize others who are having a much rougher time than I am. But I still have moments of disappointment and wonder why God or fasting or mistletoe or Belinostat or high dose vitamin c, or whatever...could be my miracle, like it has been for some. I am worried I may have to resort to conventional treatment if my symptoms continue to get worst. 

I suppose I still have something to learn. Mainly trust I think. And I've been asking myself a question, "Can I fully love and accept myself, even if I don't eat, take supplements, mediate, exercise... perfectly?" 

These thoughts all sounds silly as I write them down and make me feel vulnerable. But they are the deep down whispers that plague me and I pretty much know...plague us all. 

Am I worthy as just who I am or do I have to do something to be worthy? It's actually the crux of Christianity that most outsiders don't understand. He says we are perfectly worthy - not because of who we are or what we do, but because he loves us completely and we are made in God's image. 

Someone asked me if I am weary of the whole thing. Yes - I am. And...I'm really really hungry. I find it hard to think about much else but food. I can't imagine all the people in the world going to bed hungry tonight. I just can't imagine. 

Tomorrow I start watermelon chunks. So does Kiyomi. That will make a 21 day fast for her and a 14 day fast for me. We will have that for 1-2 days, then raw veggies for 1-2 days, then fruits (no citrus) for 1-2 days, then add in grains but no legumes, then everything excepts animal products, processed foods, ... . The sheet says...and we will "eat this way for 50 years." Then we are free to eat what we want. 

Last night I was miserable. I couldn't sleep at all. I had restless legs (which I thought were caused by foods I was eating at home). I felt like I was getting a UTI (which I did about this time last time I was here). I took a natural remedy I have with me from last time and then I felt nauseas. That was the last straw. About 2 am, I went to the dining room and took 2 plums. I ate one which went right through me. I've never had a food do that before! Then I at the other and was fine and felt much better and could sleep. I didn't know but Santa Rosa is known for it's plums and boy are they good! 

I had to fess up to the doctors. They were cool about it. I was proud of myself that I just stated the facts and didn't apologize or whatever. I'm an adult. I made a decision. 

Anyhow, there have been some really tough moments and some times it hasn't been that bad. After the muscle aches resolved, it has mainly been nausea when I sip water and more hunger than I remember last time. I'm down about 18 lbs. 

My hubby is coming Sunday and will get checked out by the doctors, see the chiropractor I call Dr. Pain, see the other chiropractor that will evaluate him and set-up a work out routine based on what he sees. We will see him a few times to really get the work out down. We have plans to go to a vegan restaurant nearby with Kiyomi Thursday night and leave Friday, the 21st. 

I don't see myself signing up to come back any time soon but, who knows. Never say never.