A new day? Week 1 of treatment complete.

I find myself waking up really early this last three days, feeling like I have food stuck in my esophagus, uncomfortable, and wide awake. I laid in my bed this morning, wanting to make it a landmark day. Could this be the "new start" day I have been yearning for and yet not having the mental or physical energy to start?

I'm an all-or-nothing person in so many ways. I like to go full-bore into something, finish it, and move on. This last 3 years have taught me so much about needing to take things one thing at a time and dealing with uncertainty and even, inability.

My faith has been key; if I didn't believe that I was worthy to walk on this earth without proving my worth through taking care of everyone and everything, like I once thought I did, I would have died by now. I have felt the kind but firm and loving hand of God holding me pretty still as I've dealt with having to give up my overly scheduled self-esteem propping productivity and prove-that-I've-got-it-all-together self.

I've tried not to just transfer that over to this new life circumstances. People tell me I should write a book. I don't have any idea what I'm doing; I can only refer people to a few others who seem to have figured some things out.

Besides, I am more convinced than ever that our journeys are to be so individualized that another "How to" manual of any kind is worthless.

I am reading The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom and I realized again that writing down where God met us and preformed his miracles - now that is worth sharing! I have some of those and have decided I need to get those on paper in a way that I can share them.

But, today, I feel that I have another day to live within grace and take it as it comes.

The week went OK. I feel a bit humbled by some of the things I've said about chemo in the past. I am taking 1 chemo targeted drug that is reported to be a breeze compared to what I was supposed to have done. It hit me hard day one, I gutted it out day two, I took control day 3 with tools, day 4 I knew what to expect, day 5 - I found myself dreading the chair. I messaged the doctor that I was having a lot of pain in my pancreas/spleen area and having trouble sleeping with this feeling in my esophagus. Of course, she added a drug for acid in the digestive system to my IV and called in another drug to the pharmacist. That is 10 drugs for the day!!! To say I'm uncomfortable with this track is such an understatement. On the other hand, I feel I need to try things there way for at least this first 5 day stint. The IV drug probably did help. The pain under my left ribs was markedly different but the nausea and general feeling of lousy still took hold. I gutted it out, went to my car after it was all done, and took a few minutes to just try to breathe. It's a very ugly feeling.

Did I fast this week for chemo? No. Eating is the only thing that made me feel better. Did I eat perfectly. Hell, no. Have I juiced? Nope. I am making a lentil soup today and have decided to get back onto the track that I think makes me feel best. Fruits, vegetables, and healthy proteins. Some carbs are fine but I think my very old habits of wanting too many carbs is taking over. It is a danger with going vegan and I feel it. My gut is starting to run the show with cravings and that is trouble because it never asks for a salad. I will try to keep my animal proteins down so that means I need to focus on a more plant forward diet.

I stopped Prednisone Thursday morning. I have so enjoyed my throat feeling back to normal, no swelling or distortion in my joints, no pain. The Belinostat is supposed to help those things but they said it could take a couple weeks. The Prednisone stopped helping only 36 hours after taking it last time. I don't know what to expect over the next days or weeks. I guess it is still a day at a time.

We are isolated because of the pandemic anyhow. Somehow, I want to take on the world again. God, what does that mean in your mind today?