A song in my head - late night ramblings
I'm gonna sing
in the middle of the storm
louder and louder
you're gonna hear me praises roar.
Out from the ashes
hope will arise
death is defeated
the King is alive!
Sing a little louder
in the presence of my enemies.
Sing a little louder
louder than the unbelief.
Sing a little louder
my weapon is a melody.
Sing a little louder
heaven comes to fight for me.
I realize I live my life with a song always going through the back of my mind. It's been important for me. It has built my faith and the soundtrack of my life. So often, when I share a memory with someone, I realize at this moment - in the middle of the night (of course), that it is often framed by a song I was listening to - learning from - being strengthened by. I often say that Christian music helped me raise my kids. It did - and God has used it to raise me!
I remember a tough moment when I needed to directly confront a person who scared me. Audio Adrenaline was there - "I get down, and he lifts me up..." There was a time when I needed to accept my changing life circumstances and the painful reality that I needed to let go of the people I loved most in order to survive and for them to thrive - "I Surrender All" were the words that gave me the tears and the strength. When I needed to learn to trust my father in heaven but it felt like I would die to really do that -"Great is thy faithfulness, oh God my father. There is no danger of turning with thee. Thou changeth not, thy compassions they fail not. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord until me!" When I was a kid who felt responsible for every bad thing and some really nice people noticed me and shared Jesus with me, there was, "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me." When God was teaching me his mind as I was growing up, "If I have not charity- if love does not flow from me, I am nothing; Jesus reduce me to love." And, the most impactful song that highlights the paradoxes in life to me, given to me by a determined non-believer in relationship to her faithful protestant father - the Catholic prayer of Saint Frances, "Oh master, grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console - to be understood as to understand - to be loved as to love with all my soul. Make me a channel of your peace..." Oh, how I pray that those two are together right now, (my mom and her dad) with nothing but joy on their gleeming faces.
So, to the song I started this with tonight; we sang it in church Sunday and it's been playing in the back of my mind (and tonight in the front of it).
I'm gonna sing
I haven't been singing really lately. I'm getting through. I've learned that I don't have to hate myself for times when I'm less than joyful. Yes, I hated myself for many years for being depressed. Now, I allow myself to "Be still and know." He is God; I am not. The world can spin without me spinning it. Maybe times being down are actually times to rest.
in the middle of the storm;
What a paradox. In a sense, I am living with an amazing "quality of life." It dawns on me how I have had 3 years of pretty good health (apart from having cancer) and stability. My family has been healthy and the time has been sweet. Am I in "the storm?" It feels like it in the middle of the night. I've been in pain and exhausted lately - having trouble functioning. I'm confused and conflicted about my next steps. I have trouble praying. I feel tossed like I'm in a storm. God says to put my eyes on him. I want to walk on the water. Maybe I am actually walking on water, but I'm not quite sure.
louder and louder
I'm not a "shout from the rooftops" kinda gal. I pray God somehow blesses people by me just being who I am - and he has. I pray my actions and my attempts to seek God and follow are used by him to bless others - for eternity. As I look back, he really has; he has honored my every attempt to do things his way. But, my life is peppered with messages about how overly exuberant Christians are not to be trusted and have hurt people and cause distrust of all Christ has done. Hence my hesitation to be "louder and louder."
you're gonna hear my praises roar.
I pray my life praises God. I rely on him, even for that. Thank you Lord, for the promises of the Holy Spirit. When I miss the mark, he is still working it all out.
Out from the ashes
There have been many times I have thought to myself that I don't want to die with old wounds not healed. It isn't the cancer I've prayed about the most - it's that I've wanted to learn what I need to learn in this life. I've needed to heal and God has met me in that. "I'm sorry, Please forgive me" has been my life's prayer. I've recently learned the power of 2nd part of a prayer, "Thank you, I love you." The release in that - the healing, is bringing my soul out of the ashes. Yes, God is using a non-Christian "prayer" to heal me - Ho'oponopono. It's how He got through to me with a structure or tool I could grasp. Thank you, Lord!
hope will arise;
Hope - the spring where I can actually find the illusive - joy. Somehow God knows the outcome of all of this. Somehow he makes it all right. Somehow it makes sense. I can have joy because He lives. I have hope because he is somehow at the helm and I can completely trust him.
death is defeated
I have spent many nights in fear of the darkness of death. I have dwelt on it. When my mind is focused on the things of Christ, the light in the darkness becomes brighter and my fears of death and dying subside. Death is defeated - even for me. I pray often that God will prepare me to be so unafraid of death that I can stand up to evil if, and when, I need to. And that I will follow him with boldness and wisdom, whether I understand or not.
the King is alive!
This is the cornerstone of everything. I remember when my friend (God used a Catholic woman to make sure I understood how labels mean nothing to him) invited me to BSF - Bible Study Fellowship. This is a 7 year course, intense and non-denominational. It was time for me to learn the Bible for myself. I came to truly believe that Jesus is alive. The veil separating us from God was torn for good when he died as the perfect sacrifice, so now we have direct access to the Father because of what Jesus willingly and lovingly did. It is for all who look at it and answer God's call believe by faith. It is a free gift.
Sing a little louder
As I learn to trust the God who made and loves me and everyone else, I learn to sing when the world feels dark and scary and shaky. And I learn to trust him with others, even when I don't understand the pain in their lives.
in the presence of my enemies.
Cancer. Fear. Guilt and shame rooted deep. Forces that want to destroy me and those I love. My own laziness and lack of focus on what is really important. Pride and need for approval. Inability to forgive myself. We all have many enemies. God is bigger.
Sing a little louder
As I sing (worship and focus on God), the "enemies" are drowned out. Sing louder. It's the only way this small mind can survive.
louder than the unbelief.
Oh boy. A big one. My western "Greek" mind is always struggling with the, "Ya, but...." My unbelief is always lurking. My soul, nourished properly and continually, can sing a song louder than my unbelief.
Sing a little louder;
As I've walked through this journey with cancer this past 3 years, God has used many people to guide my path. Many would not call themselves "Followers of the Way" (Jesus). A very common message has come through, however. "Be gentler on yourself." I'm reminded that Jesus went through all he did for a reason. It was to release me - not bind me. It takes a lot of faith to realize we are free and perfect in his sight. I think of Martin Luther as he finally saw the message in Romans. Stop flogging yourself and realize what He's done. Sing a little louder.
my weapon is a melody.
Yes - as Paul and the others have changed history by actually singing in the prison, our melody of praise and faith is a powerful weapon. Again and again, I thank God, currently through my tears, for music that has brought me to my knees and to him and to his healing.
Sing a little louder;
"Mountains bow down and the seas will roar-at the sound of your name. I sing for joy at the work of your hands; forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you." That was the song God used to help me with my biggest burden growing up. He released me from my fear of losing, for eternity, the most important person of my childhood; albeit the most painful person of my life. He is infinitely bigger than what we see going on and we can trust him - even with my mom.
heaven comes to fight for me!
What a paradox everything is. We are to be focused on service to others, yet still somehow realize that God and all of heaven fights for us as individuals. I remember the moment I felt it for myself. I was powerless and was being fought for - by my father and/or by his direction. As a little girl who never felt a healthy connection to a strong trustworthy father, this was very foreign for me. I felt no choice but to relax into it - I couldn't fight for myself so I had to let go.
Although it is a constantly evolving thing, during which I often spin and wobble more than I rest, God has shown me - there is nothing to prove and nowhere to go but where he has me at any given moment. He has given me the honor of simply being with people which, in the mystery, sometimes has made a difference for them. And, he is taking care of everyone else so I no longer need to feel like I should be everything to everyone. That is his job.
When I was first diagnosed, I became aware that many people who are diagnosed really don't want to live. I realized that I didn't know why I wanted to live. I didn't want to die because I couldn't stand the pain of hurting so many people that love me. Is that a reason to live? I realized how afraid I was of what could be. There was a moment in 2014 when I was in tremendous pain and I felt myself "slip off my foundation." I understood for the first time why people cut themselves - why people end their lives. I didn't act on these things; but I caught a glimpse of understanding.
The prospect of circumstances coming along that could take me to that painful place again terrified me - did I want to chance living if it could mean going there, even for a moment, again? I've needed to really look at this.
In parallel, it's been interesting being absolutely forced to put down all the things that used to prop me up. I was always over scheduled and over achieving (and over-tired - thanks to my striving and EBV). I needed people to see me as competent and smart and able. I now have many many people in my life that have only seen the last 3 years during which I've had to put down all but the essentials. I've had very little to give in terms of time and treasure and talents. Yet - I've received such love, still. I have friends and prayer warriors and loved ones - still. Amazing. Healing. Kind of astonishing. I am being loved to wellness.
And...I am continuing to accept that, somehow in the mystery, God heals some and doesn't heal others. He allows some to be decapitated and saves others. He allows children to be harmed the way they are and yet shows such compassion at the same time. Somehow it all makes sense to the One who can understand - and I can't. I am learning that I can trust him to be there for me and with me for all of my days, no matter what comes. That makes me want to live - it gives me the courage to really live.
And I'm learning to disciple myself my mind - it is as if I have suffered the worst this world can dish out because I've expected it to happen. After all, if it has happened to others - why shouldn't it happen to me!?! That is not what God intends us to use our imaginations for. I am not equipped to know every bad thing happening or possibly happening in the world. I am not equipped to feel responsible for all the bad humanity has committed and somehow feel responsible to speak to it all and be ready to defend God in it all.
I am made to be loved and to love. It's pretty simple and .... I can do that - with God's omnipotent help.
If you want to hear the actual song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3RRU25dpPg
in the middle of the storm
louder and louder
you're gonna hear me praises roar.
Out from the ashes
hope will arise
death is defeated
the King is alive!
Sing a little louder
in the presence of my enemies.
Sing a little louder
louder than the unbelief.
Sing a little louder
my weapon is a melody.
Sing a little louder
heaven comes to fight for me.
I realize I live my life with a song always going through the back of my mind. It's been important for me. It has built my faith and the soundtrack of my life. So often, when I share a memory with someone, I realize at this moment - in the middle of the night (of course), that it is often framed by a song I was listening to - learning from - being strengthened by. I often say that Christian music helped me raise my kids. It did - and God has used it to raise me!
I remember a tough moment when I needed to directly confront a person who scared me. Audio Adrenaline was there - "I get down, and he lifts me up..." There was a time when I needed to accept my changing life circumstances and the painful reality that I needed to let go of the people I loved most in order to survive and for them to thrive - "I Surrender All" were the words that gave me the tears and the strength. When I needed to learn to trust my father in heaven but it felt like I would die to really do that -"Great is thy faithfulness, oh God my father. There is no danger of turning with thee. Thou changeth not, thy compassions they fail not. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord until me!" When I was a kid who felt responsible for every bad thing and some really nice people noticed me and shared Jesus with me, there was, "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me." When God was teaching me his mind as I was growing up, "If I have not charity- if love does not flow from me, I am nothing; Jesus reduce me to love." And, the most impactful song that highlights the paradoxes in life to me, given to me by a determined non-believer in relationship to her faithful protestant father - the Catholic prayer of Saint Frances, "Oh master, grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console - to be understood as to understand - to be loved as to love with all my soul. Make me a channel of your peace..." Oh, how I pray that those two are together right now, (my mom and her dad) with nothing but joy on their gleeming faces.
So, to the song I started this with tonight; we sang it in church Sunday and it's been playing in the back of my mind (and tonight in the front of it).
I'm gonna sing
I haven't been singing really lately. I'm getting through. I've learned that I don't have to hate myself for times when I'm less than joyful. Yes, I hated myself for many years for being depressed. Now, I allow myself to "Be still and know." He is God; I am not. The world can spin without me spinning it. Maybe times being down are actually times to rest.
in the middle of the storm;
What a paradox. In a sense, I am living with an amazing "quality of life." It dawns on me how I have had 3 years of pretty good health (apart from having cancer) and stability. My family has been healthy and the time has been sweet. Am I in "the storm?" It feels like it in the middle of the night. I've been in pain and exhausted lately - having trouble functioning. I'm confused and conflicted about my next steps. I have trouble praying. I feel tossed like I'm in a storm. God says to put my eyes on him. I want to walk on the water. Maybe I am actually walking on water, but I'm not quite sure.
louder and louder
I'm not a "shout from the rooftops" kinda gal. I pray God somehow blesses people by me just being who I am - and he has. I pray my actions and my attempts to seek God and follow are used by him to bless others - for eternity. As I look back, he really has; he has honored my every attempt to do things his way. But, my life is peppered with messages about how overly exuberant Christians are not to be trusted and have hurt people and cause distrust of all Christ has done. Hence my hesitation to be "louder and louder."
you're gonna hear my praises roar.
I pray my life praises God. I rely on him, even for that. Thank you Lord, for the promises of the Holy Spirit. When I miss the mark, he is still working it all out.
Out from the ashes
There have been many times I have thought to myself that I don't want to die with old wounds not healed. It isn't the cancer I've prayed about the most - it's that I've wanted to learn what I need to learn in this life. I've needed to heal and God has met me in that. "I'm sorry, Please forgive me" has been my life's prayer. I've recently learned the power of 2nd part of a prayer, "Thank you, I love you." The release in that - the healing, is bringing my soul out of the ashes. Yes, God is using a non-Christian "prayer" to heal me - Ho'oponopono. It's how He got through to me with a structure or tool I could grasp. Thank you, Lord!
hope will arise;
Hope - the spring where I can actually find the illusive - joy. Somehow God knows the outcome of all of this. Somehow he makes it all right. Somehow it makes sense. I can have joy because He lives. I have hope because he is somehow at the helm and I can completely trust him.
death is defeated
I have spent many nights in fear of the darkness of death. I have dwelt on it. When my mind is focused on the things of Christ, the light in the darkness becomes brighter and my fears of death and dying subside. Death is defeated - even for me. I pray often that God will prepare me to be so unafraid of death that I can stand up to evil if, and when, I need to. And that I will follow him with boldness and wisdom, whether I understand or not.
the King is alive!
This is the cornerstone of everything. I remember when my friend (God used a Catholic woman to make sure I understood how labels mean nothing to him) invited me to BSF - Bible Study Fellowship. This is a 7 year course, intense and non-denominational. It was time for me to learn the Bible for myself. I came to truly believe that Jesus is alive. The veil separating us from God was torn for good when he died as the perfect sacrifice, so now we have direct access to the Father because of what Jesus willingly and lovingly did. It is for all who look at it and answer God's call believe by faith. It is a free gift.
Sing a little louder
As I learn to trust the God who made and loves me and everyone else, I learn to sing when the world feels dark and scary and shaky. And I learn to trust him with others, even when I don't understand the pain in their lives.
in the presence of my enemies.
Cancer. Fear. Guilt and shame rooted deep. Forces that want to destroy me and those I love. My own laziness and lack of focus on what is really important. Pride and need for approval. Inability to forgive myself. We all have many enemies. God is bigger.
Sing a little louder
As I sing (worship and focus on God), the "enemies" are drowned out. Sing louder. It's the only way this small mind can survive.
louder than the unbelief.
Oh boy. A big one. My western "Greek" mind is always struggling with the, "Ya, but...." My unbelief is always lurking. My soul, nourished properly and continually, can sing a song louder than my unbelief.
Sing a little louder;
As I've walked through this journey with cancer this past 3 years, God has used many people to guide my path. Many would not call themselves "Followers of the Way" (Jesus). A very common message has come through, however. "Be gentler on yourself." I'm reminded that Jesus went through all he did for a reason. It was to release me - not bind me. It takes a lot of faith to realize we are free and perfect in his sight. I think of Martin Luther as he finally saw the message in Romans. Stop flogging yourself and realize what He's done. Sing a little louder.
my weapon is a melody.
Yes - as Paul and the others have changed history by actually singing in the prison, our melody of praise and faith is a powerful weapon. Again and again, I thank God, currently through my tears, for music that has brought me to my knees and to him and to his healing.
Sing a little louder;
"Mountains bow down and the seas will roar-at the sound of your name. I sing for joy at the work of your hands; forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you." That was the song God used to help me with my biggest burden growing up. He released me from my fear of losing, for eternity, the most important person of my childhood; albeit the most painful person of my life. He is infinitely bigger than what we see going on and we can trust him - even with my mom.
heaven comes to fight for me!
What a paradox everything is. We are to be focused on service to others, yet still somehow realize that God and all of heaven fights for us as individuals. I remember the moment I felt it for myself. I was powerless and was being fought for - by my father and/or by his direction. As a little girl who never felt a healthy connection to a strong trustworthy father, this was very foreign for me. I felt no choice but to relax into it - I couldn't fight for myself so I had to let go.
Although it is a constantly evolving thing, during which I often spin and wobble more than I rest, God has shown me - there is nothing to prove and nowhere to go but where he has me at any given moment. He has given me the honor of simply being with people which, in the mystery, sometimes has made a difference for them. And, he is taking care of everyone else so I no longer need to feel like I should be everything to everyone. That is his job.
When I was first diagnosed, I became aware that many people who are diagnosed really don't want to live. I realized that I didn't know why I wanted to live. I didn't want to die because I couldn't stand the pain of hurting so many people that love me. Is that a reason to live? I realized how afraid I was of what could be. There was a moment in 2014 when I was in tremendous pain and I felt myself "slip off my foundation." I understood for the first time why people cut themselves - why people end their lives. I didn't act on these things; but I caught a glimpse of understanding.
The prospect of circumstances coming along that could take me to that painful place again terrified me - did I want to chance living if it could mean going there, even for a moment, again? I've needed to really look at this.
In parallel, it's been interesting being absolutely forced to put down all the things that used to prop me up. I was always over scheduled and over achieving (and over-tired - thanks to my striving and EBV). I needed people to see me as competent and smart and able. I now have many many people in my life that have only seen the last 3 years during which I've had to put down all but the essentials. I've had very little to give in terms of time and treasure and talents. Yet - I've received such love, still. I have friends and prayer warriors and loved ones - still. Amazing. Healing. Kind of astonishing. I am being loved to wellness.
And...I am continuing to accept that, somehow in the mystery, God heals some and doesn't heal others. He allows some to be decapitated and saves others. He allows children to be harmed the way they are and yet shows such compassion at the same time. Somehow it all makes sense to the One who can understand - and I can't. I am learning that I can trust him to be there for me and with me for all of my days, no matter what comes. That makes me want to live - it gives me the courage to really live.
And I'm learning to disciple myself my mind - it is as if I have suffered the worst this world can dish out because I've expected it to happen. After all, if it has happened to others - why shouldn't it happen to me!?! That is not what God intends us to use our imaginations for. I am not equipped to know every bad thing happening or possibly happening in the world. I am not equipped to feel responsible for all the bad humanity has committed and somehow feel responsible to speak to it all and be ready to defend God in it all.
I am made to be loved and to love. It's pretty simple and .... I can do that - with God's omnipotent help.
If you want to hear the actual song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3RRU25dpPg
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