Not an easy time, but I'm not alone!
Up until a few weeks ago, I had felt pretty good most of the time, except when I got a vaccine created for me for an Epstein Barr Virus that was active. It made me worse; the herbalist I go to gave me an awful tasting concoction that seemed to help. The lymph nodes in my neck even went down.
But 2.5 weeks ago, I got the flu and I haven't been able to shake it. In fact, I ended up with a UTI, had to take a Z-pack, only for my kidneys to start to hurt like an infection. I haven't had a UTI or kidney infection in years, and I have dealt with kidney stones a hand full of times, so I know what kidney pain is. I went in for testing yesterday and spent an excruciating day at the Cancer Center for Healing, trying to get fit in to my doctor's too busy schedule. After meeting with her, we decided I am jeopardizing my health by working. I just can't keep up on all the appointments and the daily regimen that seems to keep the lymphoma at bay - especially as infection seems to be raging in my body.
My energy is so so low. I occasionally have night sweats and I run a low grade fever a lot. All symptoms of lymphoma and infection.
I woke up yesterday with a deep sense of dread about it all. It can seem like I have two choices: succumb to conventional treatment which is quite a 5 - 7 chemo drug cocktail with "all the side effects you can imagine." Then, if I go into remission, a stem cell transplant with 30 days in isolation in the hospital. And...with a very good chance of relapse.
Or, I can continue trying alternative treatments, keep learning and doing my very best, but probably continuing to spending a fortune on IVs and other supportive treatments as we move forward.
I hate both options for different reasons. I am losing weight because it is so hard to eat properly and consume all the herbs and supplements, tinctures and liquids, sauna/bathe/enema enough for detox... I get so tired of it all and have had to let some things go because I am working this semester. I need to be more diligent.
Of course, I wonder if this is my future - working to keep lymphoma at bay rather than ever being able to move on without this astronaut's helmet of cancer over my head. That is what it feels like. You can't ignore it and it is very bulky and inconvenient.
I went to a Recall Healing weekend a few weeks back. They see symbols and patterns in everything. They believe that any and all illness is caused by unresolved conflict and trauma. I've had to do a lot of soul searching.
A couple huge revelations:
#1 I am not trusting the doctors / treatments I am choosing; I am trusting Jesus to lead me. He has and he will continue to. As I remember this, I stop questioning every treatment until I need to reevaluate, and I stop feeling negative about the people I am currently working with.
This shift is helping me tremendously. Yesterday I was filled with so much dread. I had to stay home from work for Dr. appointments. This is tough with no sick time left. But I had time to be in God's Word, to pray, to do some of the affirmations I have learned from Recall Healing. I ended up feeling great (emotionally) and very tangibly reminded of where my strength comes from.
#2 So many people talk and talk about the need to forgive in order to heal. I have looked at my past. There have been instances where people actually told me that I would be sick someday because I let people off the hook too fast. I don't speak up, shout, cry...at people. It has worked well for me to be very controlled; I hate having to try to take back hurtful words. Recall Healing agrees with these people, however. At one point, the presenter boldly asserted, "The cost for you to live is for you to speak up!" Hmmmmm. The revelation has been this: I can't forgive myself for ... anything. My newest revelation, however, is that I have done a lot of forgiving work, of others. I just haven't been able to forgive myself...for much of anything. And it's eating me alive. Now that I know, I have some great tools to help me.
So I'm in kind of a weird place. The oncologist's words as we left her office at City of Hope ring in my ears, "You can wait, but don't wait too long." Then what I've learned about how full dose chemo wipes out your own immune defenses while leaving the strongest, most virelent cancer cells to float around and metastasize.
I have only 1 choice; keep following Christ. He will use my body and His Word to show me what to do, day by day. I need to trust Him with our finances as my work is disrupted and we continue to spend so much money on my health. Oh ya, BTW, we sold our home of 25 years, are moving in with dear friends until at least Nov. and we bought our dream home in Colorado. Exciting but uncertain times. One day at a time is oh-so-real right now.
Love to you!
But 2.5 weeks ago, I got the flu and I haven't been able to shake it. In fact, I ended up with a UTI, had to take a Z-pack, only for my kidneys to start to hurt like an infection. I haven't had a UTI or kidney infection in years, and I have dealt with kidney stones a hand full of times, so I know what kidney pain is. I went in for testing yesterday and spent an excruciating day at the Cancer Center for Healing, trying to get fit in to my doctor's too busy schedule. After meeting with her, we decided I am jeopardizing my health by working. I just can't keep up on all the appointments and the daily regimen that seems to keep the lymphoma at bay - especially as infection seems to be raging in my body.
My energy is so so low. I occasionally have night sweats and I run a low grade fever a lot. All symptoms of lymphoma and infection.
I woke up yesterday with a deep sense of dread about it all. It can seem like I have two choices: succumb to conventional treatment which is quite a 5 - 7 chemo drug cocktail with "all the side effects you can imagine." Then, if I go into remission, a stem cell transplant with 30 days in isolation in the hospital. And...with a very good chance of relapse.
Or, I can continue trying alternative treatments, keep learning and doing my very best, but probably continuing to spending a fortune on IVs and other supportive treatments as we move forward.
I hate both options for different reasons. I am losing weight because it is so hard to eat properly and consume all the herbs and supplements, tinctures and liquids, sauna/bathe/enema enough for detox... I get so tired of it all and have had to let some things go because I am working this semester. I need to be more diligent.
Of course, I wonder if this is my future - working to keep lymphoma at bay rather than ever being able to move on without this astronaut's helmet of cancer over my head. That is what it feels like. You can't ignore it and it is very bulky and inconvenient.
I went to a Recall Healing weekend a few weeks back. They see symbols and patterns in everything. They believe that any and all illness is caused by unresolved conflict and trauma. I've had to do a lot of soul searching.
A couple huge revelations:
#1 I am not trusting the doctors / treatments I am choosing; I am trusting Jesus to lead me. He has and he will continue to. As I remember this, I stop questioning every treatment until I need to reevaluate, and I stop feeling negative about the people I am currently working with.
This shift is helping me tremendously. Yesterday I was filled with so much dread. I had to stay home from work for Dr. appointments. This is tough with no sick time left. But I had time to be in God's Word, to pray, to do some of the affirmations I have learned from Recall Healing. I ended up feeling great (emotionally) and very tangibly reminded of where my strength comes from.
#2 So many people talk and talk about the need to forgive in order to heal. I have looked at my past. There have been instances where people actually told me that I would be sick someday because I let people off the hook too fast. I don't speak up, shout, cry...at people. It has worked well for me to be very controlled; I hate having to try to take back hurtful words. Recall Healing agrees with these people, however. At one point, the presenter boldly asserted, "The cost for you to live is for you to speak up!" Hmmmmm. The revelation has been this: I can't forgive myself for ... anything. My newest revelation, however, is that I have done a lot of forgiving work, of others. I just haven't been able to forgive myself...for much of anything. And it's eating me alive. Now that I know, I have some great tools to help me.
So I'm in kind of a weird place. The oncologist's words as we left her office at City of Hope ring in my ears, "You can wait, but don't wait too long." Then what I've learned about how full dose chemo wipes out your own immune defenses while leaving the strongest, most virelent cancer cells to float around and metastasize.
I have only 1 choice; keep following Christ. He will use my body and His Word to show me what to do, day by day. I need to trust Him with our finances as my work is disrupted and we continue to spend so much money on my health. Oh ya, BTW, we sold our home of 25 years, are moving in with dear friends until at least Nov. and we bought our dream home in Colorado. Exciting but uncertain times. One day at a time is oh-so-real right now.
Love to you!
Thank you again for sharing, Cathie. It is a lot to take in just reading it. What an aweful and lingering disease. All the decisions to make! I can only reemphasize that All things are possible through Him our Healer and Savior. Sending much trust and love ❤️ xoxo
ReplyDeleteDear Cath, I am grateful you have an abiding love, faith, trust and hope in Christ to carry you in deeper and deeper ways through your experience. It comforts me and I know this love and faith guides and comforts you in deeper ways as you voyage into the unknown, may the Light of Awareness, Understanding and Wholeness be always illuminating Its Light for you to see clearly and to have greater Clarity as you move forward.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with Recall Healing the power of affirmations and the transforming of your mind and the deep mental work you are doing now. It is not easy, yet, it is extremely important and beneficial to your over all health and wholeness. (Romans 12:2) "Be Ye transformed by the renewing of your mind." This is powerful to place all affirmative truth in the forefront of your mind. In the book, The 30-Day Mental Diet it states, "The renewing of the mind is a scientific fact. As the conscious thought pours truth into the subjective channels of creative energy, the body is automatically renewed.....I am healthy, and I remain healthy, through my knowledge that what God creates is good. I accept health as my normal state and insure its continuance by discarding all thought to the contrary."
The picture you shared of your hands looking more and more like Mom's is proof, Forgiveness and love transforms itself anew in magical ways.
I am knowing Love, healing and wholeness for you Cath, my dear Sister. You are in my prayers, and in my heart.
Deb