I'm just fine. Cancer or no cancer, I am just fine.
That is exactly how I feel right now - Fine, just fine. Safe.
As I think I wrote about before, it became crystal clear to me a couple weeks ago that the doubting, questioning, suspicious, confused mind that I have battled for over a year about treatments, supplements, herbs, experts, costs, differing opinions, blah, blah, blah - finally gave way to the very clear realization that, as long as I am praying and trusting the Living God who made me and loves me more and better than anyone else, including myself, I can be at peace. He sees the future and knows how my story unfolds. And I can trust him, completely. I am not putting my trust in doctors; I am putting my trust in God himself.
It has taken the angst out of my life.
Granted, I am a leaky vessel. I know that the only way to keep my mind in such a place is to be constantly refilled by being in his Word and in prayer. But I am singing again with my favorite songs in the new little fun car he plopped into my life (a used mini cooper that is ... simply...fun). It feels good.
Funny, I skipped right over 3 of the toughest weeks of my life. We sold our home of 25 years and agreed to a 30 day escrow - just in time for Andy to get the flu for the 1st week of the escrow and then me to get sick and go down hill for 3 entire weeks. I can't remember ever feeling quite so terrible. It was the flu, then a UTI, then a mutant strep (according to the herbalist), then a kidney infection. I ended up taking 2 different antibiotics out of desperation and I had to stop working for the rest of this month. I just couldn't get on my feet. I suppose some of my elation right now is relief. Angels flew in and helped us get through the last of the move and I am finally bouncing back. I am just so relieved. We bought our dream home in Colorado. I will be doing some creative commuting for the next couple years as I finish up at work, health permitting.
God has also given me unexpected peace about two things I have dreaded. I will have a port installed in my chest tomorrow. It has scared me to death and I've had three other orders to have the procedure done, which I have cancelled each time. A doctor helped me understand that it doesn't mean I am on the slippery slope of cancer. It means I will have more treatment options since the IVs I've already had have damaged my veins too much.
Secondly, I've made an appointment for a PET scan - the first in over a year. That and biopsies of swollen lymph nodes are the only way to know what is going on with the lymphoma. I also get the Circulating Tumor Cell count done every three months, but that isn't widely accepted by conventional medicine as an indicator. It's very clear to me: if things are better, I will praise God and stay the course that I am on. If things are stable, praise God, and I have some things in mind to tweak but essentially I will keep doing all I can to remove stressors and toxins to my body while giving it what it needs to heal. If things are considerably worse, praise God and consider either (very expensive) low dose insulin potentiated chemo therapy using targeted drugs as shown to work on my cancer by a lab in Greece, or go see a conventional oncologist who most likely will want me to start high dose 5 - 7 drug chemo followed by a bone marrow / stem cell transplant.
I've also shared before the concept that has helped me the most when making decisions and projecting into the future. God will use my own body to show me what to do. He will use the PET scan to guide me. If I end up doing even full force conventional chemo and all, He will be there to get me through it. If there are long term side effects, one of my biggest fears, He will be there for that too.
And so....I'm fine. Just fine. Cancer or no cancer. I'm fine. Thank you, Lord.
As I think I wrote about before, it became crystal clear to me a couple weeks ago that the doubting, questioning, suspicious, confused mind that I have battled for over a year about treatments, supplements, herbs, experts, costs, differing opinions, blah, blah, blah - finally gave way to the very clear realization that, as long as I am praying and trusting the Living God who made me and loves me more and better than anyone else, including myself, I can be at peace. He sees the future and knows how my story unfolds. And I can trust him, completely. I am not putting my trust in doctors; I am putting my trust in God himself.
It has taken the angst out of my life.
Granted, I am a leaky vessel. I know that the only way to keep my mind in such a place is to be constantly refilled by being in his Word and in prayer. But I am singing again with my favorite songs in the new little fun car he plopped into my life (a used mini cooper that is ... simply...fun). It feels good.
Funny, I skipped right over 3 of the toughest weeks of my life. We sold our home of 25 years and agreed to a 30 day escrow - just in time for Andy to get the flu for the 1st week of the escrow and then me to get sick and go down hill for 3 entire weeks. I can't remember ever feeling quite so terrible. It was the flu, then a UTI, then a mutant strep (according to the herbalist), then a kidney infection. I ended up taking 2 different antibiotics out of desperation and I had to stop working for the rest of this month. I just couldn't get on my feet. I suppose some of my elation right now is relief. Angels flew in and helped us get through the last of the move and I am finally bouncing back. I am just so relieved. We bought our dream home in Colorado. I will be doing some creative commuting for the next couple years as I finish up at work, health permitting.
God has also given me unexpected peace about two things I have dreaded. I will have a port installed in my chest tomorrow. It has scared me to death and I've had three other orders to have the procedure done, which I have cancelled each time. A doctor helped me understand that it doesn't mean I am on the slippery slope of cancer. It means I will have more treatment options since the IVs I've already had have damaged my veins too much.
Secondly, I've made an appointment for a PET scan - the first in over a year. That and biopsies of swollen lymph nodes are the only way to know what is going on with the lymphoma. I also get the Circulating Tumor Cell count done every three months, but that isn't widely accepted by conventional medicine as an indicator. It's very clear to me: if things are better, I will praise God and stay the course that I am on. If things are stable, praise God, and I have some things in mind to tweak but essentially I will keep doing all I can to remove stressors and toxins to my body while giving it what it needs to heal. If things are considerably worse, praise God and consider either (very expensive) low dose insulin potentiated chemo therapy using targeted drugs as shown to work on my cancer by a lab in Greece, or go see a conventional oncologist who most likely will want me to start high dose 5 - 7 drug chemo followed by a bone marrow / stem cell transplant.
I've also shared before the concept that has helped me the most when making decisions and projecting into the future. God will use my own body to show me what to do. He will use the PET scan to guide me. If I end up doing even full force conventional chemo and all, He will be there to get me through it. If there are long term side effects, one of my biggest fears, He will be there for that too.
And so....I'm fine. Just fine. Cancer or no cancer. I'm fine. Thank you, Lord.
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