Praying for some clear answers.
I tend to write in this blog when I've gone through a valley and have come out the other side. My friend, Steve, who seems to always know exactly how to encourage me called it "coming back to center." I like that idea. We both know that means when I come back to the feet of Jesus - it's the only safe and peaceful place and it is my center.
Today I am not through the valley, however. Since October, my hands and feet, left ankle and back of the knee, and sometimes my elbows swell up for no reason. I can no longer wear rings and my hands are very weak and painful. It isn't subsiding anymore and is getting worse by the day.
I've stopped all supplements, herbs, tinctures, tonics to try to see if something I am doing is triggering the inflammation. I've gone raw vegan for 3 weeks and been growing and eating my own sprouts, soaking, sprouting, and dehydrating my own nuts and seeds, have eaten much more raw fruits and veggies since getting home. I also did a stint of the Amy Myers Anti-autoimmune diet, which is directly contrary to the raw vegan - no nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, nightshades (thinking this might be Rheumatoid Arthritis.
There are times when I have no idea what I should or shouldn't eat. Everyone has a different opinion. I've been trying to let my own body show me but now I am in a scary place.
Does this mean I have to succumb to conventional treatment? My last scans and biopsies were 9 months ago. If I go to the oncologist, he is sure to want both, and then...off to chemo. No chemo is easy but the regimen they use for this is 5 - 7 drugs - all with their own side effects. And then, as long as the lymphoma goes into remission, a bone marrow transplant with 30 days in isolation and the high probability of relapses.
Or...do I go live at Optimum Health Institute for the next 3 months? That is what they would say down there.
Or...do I go to Arizona and spend $9000 / week where my friends are who exhausted the services here in Irvine. Or do I go to Switzerland where a doctor there urged me to come to take advantage of their treatments. Or to Gerson in Mexico...
I tell people that I see clearly that God has given me nothing onto, but Him. I know that and get frustrated with myself that I can't just rest in that. I doubted my ability from the beginning - to have enough self-discipline to kick cancer. I thanked Him this morning that I can't even hold onto myself and my own efforts as a way to deal with this. I only have Him - and I know that is enough.
When people tell me they pray for me - and I can tell some people are very serious about that statement, I am so encouraged. God hears our prayers and answers one way or another. I know He is for me - not working against me. I pray He gives some clear direction today, like He did when we went to the oncologist 9 months ago. Please, Lord, show me clearly where to go from here.
I love being back at work and appreciate that it feels manageable right now. I need to be there financially - even if it is just for this semester and then I need to take more time off. My mind is a jumble and feels heavy and serious about the choices I think I'm going to need to make in this next little while -potentially life changing choices. I want to make them with faith, with wisdom, and with the kind of trust that can bring peace.
For now, I'm praying and resting in the prayers of so many others; in the end, I know those prayers are making a bigger difference than anything.
Part 2 - After a tearful day but doing OK.
I went to see Dr. Virginia 1st thing. We spent quite a lot of time ($500 worth) together. She is either brilliant or crazy. She has a PhD in Biochem and is a retired Thoracic surgeon. I was very honest about my frustrations with it all and my fears because of the the swelling hands, feet, knees, ankles, and elbows. And the new swollen lymph nodes. In short, she helped me remember that we are at a time of rapid change and discovery when it comes to alternatives to conventional oncology. There are no easy answers - no big studies - not many specific case studies to offer. We just have things to try. I then went to the herbalist and he helped me chose to slow down and try some easier things (than starting a new month of IV infusions) for the next couple weeks.
I am emotional about the probability I will need to take more time off work and the financial realities of continuing on with non-conventional options. One day at a time. That's all we can all do, right?
Good night. Sleep tight.
Today I am not through the valley, however. Since October, my hands and feet, left ankle and back of the knee, and sometimes my elbows swell up for no reason. I can no longer wear rings and my hands are very weak and painful. It isn't subsiding anymore and is getting worse by the day.
I've stopped all supplements, herbs, tinctures, tonics to try to see if something I am doing is triggering the inflammation. I've gone raw vegan for 3 weeks and been growing and eating my own sprouts, soaking, sprouting, and dehydrating my own nuts and seeds, have eaten much more raw fruits and veggies since getting home. I also did a stint of the Amy Myers Anti-autoimmune diet, which is directly contrary to the raw vegan - no nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, nightshades (thinking this might be Rheumatoid Arthritis.
There are times when I have no idea what I should or shouldn't eat. Everyone has a different opinion. I've been trying to let my own body show me but now I am in a scary place.
Does this mean I have to succumb to conventional treatment? My last scans and biopsies were 9 months ago. If I go to the oncologist, he is sure to want both, and then...off to chemo. No chemo is easy but the regimen they use for this is 5 - 7 drugs - all with their own side effects. And then, as long as the lymphoma goes into remission, a bone marrow transplant with 30 days in isolation and the high probability of relapses.
Or...do I go live at Optimum Health Institute for the next 3 months? That is what they would say down there.
Or...do I go to Arizona and spend $9000 / week where my friends are who exhausted the services here in Irvine. Or do I go to Switzerland where a doctor there urged me to come to take advantage of their treatments. Or to Gerson in Mexico...
I tell people that I see clearly that God has given me nothing onto, but Him. I know that and get frustrated with myself that I can't just rest in that. I doubted my ability from the beginning - to have enough self-discipline to kick cancer. I thanked Him this morning that I can't even hold onto myself and my own efforts as a way to deal with this. I only have Him - and I know that is enough.
When people tell me they pray for me - and I can tell some people are very serious about that statement, I am so encouraged. God hears our prayers and answers one way or another. I know He is for me - not working against me. I pray He gives some clear direction today, like He did when we went to the oncologist 9 months ago. Please, Lord, show me clearly where to go from here.
I love being back at work and appreciate that it feels manageable right now. I need to be there financially - even if it is just for this semester and then I need to take more time off. My mind is a jumble and feels heavy and serious about the choices I think I'm going to need to make in this next little while -potentially life changing choices. I want to make them with faith, with wisdom, and with the kind of trust that can bring peace.
For now, I'm praying and resting in the prayers of so many others; in the end, I know those prayers are making a bigger difference than anything.
Part 2 - After a tearful day but doing OK.
I went to see Dr. Virginia 1st thing. We spent quite a lot of time ($500 worth) together. She is either brilliant or crazy. She has a PhD in Biochem and is a retired Thoracic surgeon. I was very honest about my frustrations with it all and my fears because of the the swelling hands, feet, knees, ankles, and elbows. And the new swollen lymph nodes. In short, she helped me remember that we are at a time of rapid change and discovery when it comes to alternatives to conventional oncology. There are no easy answers - no big studies - not many specific case studies to offer. We just have things to try. I then went to the herbalist and he helped me chose to slow down and try some easier things (than starting a new month of IV infusions) for the next couple weeks.
I am emotional about the probability I will need to take more time off work and the financial realities of continuing on with non-conventional options. One day at a time. That's all we can all do, right?
Good night. Sleep tight.
🙏💜🙏💜🙏💜🙏
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