Learning to trust
One of the very best pieces of advice I have received in this journey is to trust my body to tell me what to do. I experienced a down right miracle when doing so - when I went to the oncologist a few months ago, resigned to start a 5 - 7 drug chemo that would start me down a path I believe would be destructive, but that I had come to believe was necessary, only to have the doctor stop everything when he couldn't find any proof of disease. An hour later, the lymph nodes were swollen again. I absolutely know that was God speaking to Andy and I. He stopped us cold. Sometimes the other path he has set us on feels like too much for me and, frankly, it is very confusing. I have no proven effective treatment (conventional or alternative), no guru, no miracle food or herb - to cling to. Much of the time I feel like I'm in a dense fog, hoping I'm walking toward solid ground and not a jagged cliff.
For awhile, the clear message at that appointment gave me great peace. Then the doubts started creeping in. I have been wrestling with those doubts a lot lately, especially since a new large, hard lymph node has materialized where my leg meets my left hip.
I've been all over the place emotionally. I was planning to go back to work last week but this new development showed me I am not at all out of the woods. I am not yet at a place where I can just live my life to maintain or take care of this disease. In fact, I got the message that it is time to step up my game, again. And, boy, have I been grumbling internally about it. I've been focused on all the things I've been missing: normalcy, my wonderful work, dinner parties with our kids and friends with wine and the relaxed giggling that comes with it... I miss the ease of waking up and setting out into life, without hours of prepping, detoxing, cooking, cleaning, juicing, studying, packing, ... it all feels very limiting.
And my mind has not been in a positive place. I forgive myself - but that is just the fact. I get so tired of messages like "lymphoma is caused by suppressed emotions and unresolved issues." How many therapies can I use? When do you know you are on the right track?
One set of advisors say to vary what supplements and herbs, diets, treatments you use because cancer is smart and changes quickly. On the other hand, I got completely reamed by a doctor last week for taking a break from Salecinium, a liquid that makes my stomach turn and that limits other things I can use like curcumin and vitamin-c. I also took a break from some chinese herbs that come up to about 100 capsules a day. She told another practitioner I am using not to give me his opinion anymore because of this. I just don't know who to trust any more.
Last week we added juicing-lots of juicing-to our daily routine. I've fought juicing because I always believed eating the whole fruit is better. But I am convinced I can't get the amount of micronutrients I need to heal that way. I've also learned that, to get 64 oz of fresh carrot, apply, celery, parsley, lemon, and whatever juice in, I need to eat a lot less and be very committed to it. I'm finding my way there but not perfect yet.
Yesterday I remembered a book about a lady who cured her own cancer and several other people I have "met" on this journey who claim that reading the Bible an hour a day made all the difference for them. So, yesterday I picked up my Bible and didn't "study" it as I usually would. I started to read it like I do other books. Taking it in as a whole while praying for guidance as to what to focus on. I found myself skimming until I landed in the familiar story of the Israelites in the wilderness. My eyes began to see.
Just as they had been set free from captivity, so have I. I know I am completely free in Christ. I am no longer a slave to anything, especially the fear of death and all that evil can do. I have had my euphoric times around this, just as they surely did after escaping the Egyptians. But, as time went by, they began to grumble. They were promised paradise - by the God who had shown them over and over that he was taking care of them and the promise was there for their enjoyment, as soon as they were ready. But, as humans do, we get bored and forget and start to grumble. That is exactly what I have been doing. I've lost sight of the blessings God is giving me today and have been focusing on what I don't have and what I want. Even though I am not cursing God, I surely waiver on my trust in him. I so easily start to wonder if I am just in denial about it all. He has opened just the right doors for me throughout my life and especially in showing me how to handle this illness, however. He has promised me paradise - I am not quite sure if that means healing me on this side or the other side of heaven; but, that isn't my business. He has promised me paradise and is giving me what I need to be here today to get ready to best handle paradise. My job is to keep my eyes on him and follow. And trust. Period.
So, maybe those who say reading the Bible really is the most important part of the healing process are right. If being at peace helps the immune system, I guess I am healthier already.
As for healing: we've added juicing, I'm working with the herbalist to deal with the Epstein Barr Virus and another he thinks I have, I have a call in to a new therapist that does something called Recall Healing, and I am continuing to look for a way to get enough and the right kind cannabis in me without the high. That is while maintaining all the new good habits I've learned about and am trying to normalize in my life. I see the MD monthly and will get new Circulating Tumor Cell count results back early next month. Remember we started at 6.4, went to 6.0. I am reminded that, as long as cancer isn't growing, we are winning. I'd just love to see a reduction. I may go get new PET scans and biopsies in February/March, which will be a year since diagnosis. We'll see. God will show me what to do though having my body tell me.
Love to all!
For awhile, the clear message at that appointment gave me great peace. Then the doubts started creeping in. I have been wrestling with those doubts a lot lately, especially since a new large, hard lymph node has materialized where my leg meets my left hip.
I've been all over the place emotionally. I was planning to go back to work last week but this new development showed me I am not at all out of the woods. I am not yet at a place where I can just live my life to maintain or take care of this disease. In fact, I got the message that it is time to step up my game, again. And, boy, have I been grumbling internally about it. I've been focused on all the things I've been missing: normalcy, my wonderful work, dinner parties with our kids and friends with wine and the relaxed giggling that comes with it... I miss the ease of waking up and setting out into life, without hours of prepping, detoxing, cooking, cleaning, juicing, studying, packing, ... it all feels very limiting.
And my mind has not been in a positive place. I forgive myself - but that is just the fact. I get so tired of messages like "lymphoma is caused by suppressed emotions and unresolved issues." How many therapies can I use? When do you know you are on the right track?
One set of advisors say to vary what supplements and herbs, diets, treatments you use because cancer is smart and changes quickly. On the other hand, I got completely reamed by a doctor last week for taking a break from Salecinium, a liquid that makes my stomach turn and that limits other things I can use like curcumin and vitamin-c. I also took a break from some chinese herbs that come up to about 100 capsules a day. She told another practitioner I am using not to give me his opinion anymore because of this. I just don't know who to trust any more.
Last week we added juicing-lots of juicing-to our daily routine. I've fought juicing because I always believed eating the whole fruit is better. But I am convinced I can't get the amount of micronutrients I need to heal that way. I've also learned that, to get 64 oz of fresh carrot, apply, celery, parsley, lemon, and whatever juice in, I need to eat a lot less and be very committed to it. I'm finding my way there but not perfect yet.
Yesterday I remembered a book about a lady who cured her own cancer and several other people I have "met" on this journey who claim that reading the Bible an hour a day made all the difference for them. So, yesterday I picked up my Bible and didn't "study" it as I usually would. I started to read it like I do other books. Taking it in as a whole while praying for guidance as to what to focus on. I found myself skimming until I landed in the familiar story of the Israelites in the wilderness. My eyes began to see.
Just as they had been set free from captivity, so have I. I know I am completely free in Christ. I am no longer a slave to anything, especially the fear of death and all that evil can do. I have had my euphoric times around this, just as they surely did after escaping the Egyptians. But, as time went by, they began to grumble. They were promised paradise - by the God who had shown them over and over that he was taking care of them and the promise was there for their enjoyment, as soon as they were ready. But, as humans do, we get bored and forget and start to grumble. That is exactly what I have been doing. I've lost sight of the blessings God is giving me today and have been focusing on what I don't have and what I want. Even though I am not cursing God, I surely waiver on my trust in him. I so easily start to wonder if I am just in denial about it all. He has opened just the right doors for me throughout my life and especially in showing me how to handle this illness, however. He has promised me paradise - I am not quite sure if that means healing me on this side or the other side of heaven; but, that isn't my business. He has promised me paradise and is giving me what I need to be here today to get ready to best handle paradise. My job is to keep my eyes on him and follow. And trust. Period.
So, maybe those who say reading the Bible really is the most important part of the healing process are right. If being at peace helps the immune system, I guess I am healthier already.
As for healing: we've added juicing, I'm working with the herbalist to deal with the Epstein Barr Virus and another he thinks I have, I have a call in to a new therapist that does something called Recall Healing, and I am continuing to look for a way to get enough and the right kind cannabis in me without the high. That is while maintaining all the new good habits I've learned about and am trying to normalize in my life. I see the MD monthly and will get new Circulating Tumor Cell count results back early next month. Remember we started at 6.4, went to 6.0. I am reminded that, as long as cancer isn't growing, we are winning. I'd just love to see a reduction. I may go get new PET scans and biopsies in February/March, which will be a year since diagnosis. We'll see. God will show me what to do though having my body tell me.
Love to all!
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