Be still and know...
The only way I can describe how I feel right now is like a bobbing boat in the middle of the ocean. I'm not really in a scary storm. I certainly was the first few months after this diagnosis and it can get pretty choppy sometimes. I'm just out here - waiting. My instinct is to start the engine and get moving toward some enticing destination. But I am just to wait.
Don't get me wrong - I'm active in this process but I am in uncharted territory by not being on the move, headed somewhere, excited about some new goal or challenge. (Proving my worth?) I know God is at work and I am learning to "Be still and know..." It sure feels weird though.
Tonight was a night of prayer at my church. I didn't go with the thought of being prayed over. I thought we were going to pray for people all over the world going through such tough stuff as hurricanes and fires. But I got prayed over. "When two or more are gathered in his name, He is there." It's hard to understand that, because He is here for each of us personally, but I was glad to be with others who want to know and trust him, and hearing others' struggles also makes me care about them more - and that is an answer a couple of God's commands - Love one another and Carry each other's burdens. I am always fascinated by how God equips us to do what we are to do. It makes sense out of the verses about how I can do nothing good without Him.
My most earnest prayer is for God to help me keep my eyes on him and not my situation - that he would supernaturally help me with my doubts and constant double thinking about ... everything. I learn about a treatment option and just as quickly it seems something happens to make me doubt it. Or I see an answer to prayer and then don't shout it from the rooftops - because I doubt and I don't want to look dramatic and contrived.
As I left the church tonight, a lymph node in my neck that popped up in the last week was noticeably smaller than it has been. I felt encouraged. God, my father, was sending me encouragement. I thought about running in to tell the group but I didn't. When I got home, it was big again.
What do I think this means? Why do I feel so OK with everything going on right now?
I think this was a sign from the God who made and loves me - that He is at work. That I don't need to worry. That I need to keep praying and doing my best to follow his lead, and things are going to work out just as they should. A thought that gives me great peace is that God already knows how this turns out. So I can't lose.
Don't get me wrong - I'm active in this process but I am in uncharted territory by not being on the move, headed somewhere, excited about some new goal or challenge. (Proving my worth?) I know God is at work and I am learning to "Be still and know..." It sure feels weird though.
Tonight was a night of prayer at my church. I didn't go with the thought of being prayed over. I thought we were going to pray for people all over the world going through such tough stuff as hurricanes and fires. But I got prayed over. "When two or more are gathered in his name, He is there." It's hard to understand that, because He is here for each of us personally, but I was glad to be with others who want to know and trust him, and hearing others' struggles also makes me care about them more - and that is an answer a couple of God's commands - Love one another and Carry each other's burdens. I am always fascinated by how God equips us to do what we are to do. It makes sense out of the verses about how I can do nothing good without Him.
My most earnest prayer is for God to help me keep my eyes on him and not my situation - that he would supernaturally help me with my doubts and constant double thinking about ... everything. I learn about a treatment option and just as quickly it seems something happens to make me doubt it. Or I see an answer to prayer and then don't shout it from the rooftops - because I doubt and I don't want to look dramatic and contrived.
As I left the church tonight, a lymph node in my neck that popped up in the last week was noticeably smaller than it has been. I felt encouraged. God, my father, was sending me encouragement. I thought about running in to tell the group but I didn't. When I got home, it was big again.
What do I think this means? Why do I feel so OK with everything going on right now?
I think this was a sign from the God who made and loves me - that He is at work. That I don't need to worry. That I need to keep praying and doing my best to follow his lead, and things are going to work out just as they should. A thought that gives me great peace is that God already knows how this turns out. So I can't lose.
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