Today it is clear
I've shared before how I hate being a person who vacillates wildly. I temper my emotions routinely so that I don't feel silly or have to explain myself when things change. There are times I know I should be shouting with excitement about something that happens, yet I don't so that I don't feel silly if I want to cry a few minutes later. And vice versa.
So I have waded carefully into today and where I am at today. I am so so grateful for a 2nd day in a row when I feel like myself and stable emotionally. I don't want to assert that I will stay here - but I hope I do more and more. And, I am actually excited about it.
Today I can see - the blessings of this situation. Basically, I know that God loves me way too much to allow me to miss what He has for me - spiritually most of all. I have been living a great life with many blessings, but I have been sliding into an existence based on convenience, ease, comfort, excitement, distraction, numbness, busyness, rush, wanting to please everyone, fear of losing my kids as they build their lives, seeking the respect and validation from others ...
God knows me better than I know myself. And he loves me more than I love myself. In essence, I don't love myself enough to give things away that are holding me back from my best life, but the God who made me - my father - does.
Because He knows me perfectly, He knows what I need to completely revamp my life based on what is really important - what will last into eternity.
People don't realize that I have some social anxiety. And I am fatigued all the time - and have been most of my life. So having guests, especially ones that are new friends or may be hard to keep a conversation going with - has become burdensome for me. Tonight we have a stranger coming to stay here 2 nights. She is a patient at the Cancer Center. She has been given the same "It isn't curable" line. Hers has even worse statistical outcomes than mine. Yet, we both are seeking whatever wisdom we need to manage these illnesses rather than 1) give up or 2) succumb to the treatments that would start us down a road neither one of us feel is what is right for us. She isn't the easiest personality but I am doing what God wants me to do in being her friend and sharing the resources he has provided. And, I like her and am excited to hear what she has learn from her too.
I wouldn't have done this 2 months ago. I was too busy and was too focused on keeping all the plates spinning of my awesome life. It would have "just been too much."
In other words, I had become too busy to be about my father's business. For the first time in my life I don't feel guilty laying down responsibilities, letting people care for me, letting go of the feeling that I need to make people happy in the moment (when that often means doing what isn't best for me), letting people deal with their own hurts and not feeling responsible. I no longer drink; yes, there are times I miss being able to go out socially and drink wine and eat yummy foods. But I know there is better in store for me. How interesting that I am using health protocols that say no alcohol. I read about another that actually prescribes 2 glasses of red wine a day. I'd jump to that one but know I am were I am supposed to be.
I am back in the Bible, which feels so good. I am reordering my days - the use of my time - to reflect what God has been teaching me. In other words, my eyes are off the temporal and on the eternal. And I am finally plugged back into the source of the power to do that.
Today, Christians all over the world celebrate Pentecost, the day the Holy Spirit came, as promised by Jesus. He is called the comforter, counselor, advocate. He is the indweller of believers who helps us understand Scripture. He gives us power to follow God when our tendency is to follow ourselves. Today, without too much outward excitement, I ask for the power that comes from the Holy Spirit - to keep my eyes and heart on Christ and off of everything else. But I do actually feel excited about it.
So I have waded carefully into today and where I am at today. I am so so grateful for a 2nd day in a row when I feel like myself and stable emotionally. I don't want to assert that I will stay here - but I hope I do more and more. And, I am actually excited about it.
Today I can see - the blessings of this situation. Basically, I know that God loves me way too much to allow me to miss what He has for me - spiritually most of all. I have been living a great life with many blessings, but I have been sliding into an existence based on convenience, ease, comfort, excitement, distraction, numbness, busyness, rush, wanting to please everyone, fear of losing my kids as they build their lives, seeking the respect and validation from others ...
God knows me better than I know myself. And he loves me more than I love myself. In essence, I don't love myself enough to give things away that are holding me back from my best life, but the God who made me - my father - does.
Because He knows me perfectly, He knows what I need to completely revamp my life based on what is really important - what will last into eternity.
People don't realize that I have some social anxiety. And I am fatigued all the time - and have been most of my life. So having guests, especially ones that are new friends or may be hard to keep a conversation going with - has become burdensome for me. Tonight we have a stranger coming to stay here 2 nights. She is a patient at the Cancer Center. She has been given the same "It isn't curable" line. Hers has even worse statistical outcomes than mine. Yet, we both are seeking whatever wisdom we need to manage these illnesses rather than 1) give up or 2) succumb to the treatments that would start us down a road neither one of us feel is what is right for us. She isn't the easiest personality but I am doing what God wants me to do in being her friend and sharing the resources he has provided. And, I like her and am excited to hear what she has learn from her too.
I wouldn't have done this 2 months ago. I was too busy and was too focused on keeping all the plates spinning of my awesome life. It would have "just been too much."
In other words, I had become too busy to be about my father's business. For the first time in my life I don't feel guilty laying down responsibilities, letting people care for me, letting go of the feeling that I need to make people happy in the moment (when that often means doing what isn't best for me), letting people deal with their own hurts and not feeling responsible. I no longer drink; yes, there are times I miss being able to go out socially and drink wine and eat yummy foods. But I know there is better in store for me. How interesting that I am using health protocols that say no alcohol. I read about another that actually prescribes 2 glasses of red wine a day. I'd jump to that one but know I am were I am supposed to be.
I am back in the Bible, which feels so good. I am reordering my days - the use of my time - to reflect what God has been teaching me. In other words, my eyes are off the temporal and on the eternal. And I am finally plugged back into the source of the power to do that.
Today, Christians all over the world celebrate Pentecost, the day the Holy Spirit came, as promised by Jesus. He is called the comforter, counselor, advocate. He is the indweller of believers who helps us understand Scripture. He gives us power to follow God when our tendency is to follow ourselves. Today, without too much outward excitement, I ask for the power that comes from the Holy Spirit - to keep my eyes and heart on Christ and off of everything else. But I do actually feel excited about it.
Lord, Be with Cathie and her new friend. Thank you lord, may your Holy Spirit bring comfort. Amen
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