Ya, I'm starting cytotoxic chemo tomorrow.

It has been a couple of the strangest weeks of my life. It seems I am on an every other day schedule of being fine, feeling as if we have some grasp of what we are doing and that everything will be OK. On the hand, the very next day, like today, I will read something or be faced with some of the realities of this situation and it will take me to a place where I am fighting back tears for the entire day. It's so hard for me because the one thing I've never wanted to be is a person who fluctuates constantly. I've worked hard to be stable. It is something of value. I know it is because I did not feel stability in my childhood and I wanted more than anything for my children  to have a mother that they could count on and that wasn't all over the place emotionally.
I have a CT scan scheduled for this afternoon. My mind is all over the place. It is not the same as the PET Scan I had before, so will it really tell us enough to be able to make any decisions with any certainty? I picked up lab reports yesterday from City of Hope to send them to a doctor I would like  to consult at Yale.  There were things on that report that I didn't know before. Things like they think the lymphoma is doubling every 35 days. I wish they had told me that statistic, I think.
I spend about 20 to 25 hours a week at the Cancer Center for Healing in Irvine. I speak with people there and read things that essentially believe that chemotherapy,  radiation, and sometimes surgery are  largely based on lies perpetuated by the fact that people will not look at anything other than these options. And yet, I can find absolutely no evidence anywhere that anyone with my kind of lymphoma has been treated successfully without chemotherapy. Clinical trials are going on but they promise more toxicity. It appears that, because the prognosis is so poor for these kinds of lymphoma is, that they will take great risks to try new drugs.
I am so tired of thinking about this. Angioimmunoblastic T-cell Lymphoms/Follicular T-cell Lymphoma. There have been glimpses where I can see that I will be grateful for you someday. Today I can't feel it.