A new mind this morning

You wouldn't believe the "messages" I have gotten over the past weeks.

Andy, Lexie, and Nolan were watching Lion, the movie, the other night. I sit down for no more than 5 minutes and the girl tells the young man that no one blames her mother for dying - for refusing chemo.

I turn on the TV for like 5 minutes the other morning to help me wind down and take a nap after not sleeping that night. The end of Love Story is on. I watch Ryan O'Neill holding his dying love and hear that music.

I am very close to 2 people who lost their loves to "rare and aggressive cancers," like mine.

The doctors from The Center for Cancer Healing stunned me completely by stating they think I need to go to City of Hope to do their chemo, since that is the only way they see I can do the stem cell transplant once in remission - and that reduces the chances of this lymphoma coming back and being resistant to chemo in the future. That really took me down for a couple days.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. I've been reading as much research as I can find and it is not encouraging.

But...

Yesterday I turned on the radio on my way home. A pastor from Aliso Viejo was speaking. He was talking about what God is doing - when we are experiencing loss and struggles. That 5 minutes cancelled out all the other thoughts I've been having.

Jesus is setting me free through this.

He reminded me that I have eternal life - not after I stop breathing, but since the moment I realized that Jesus is who he said he is and I asked him to take over my life and forgive me for all the times I have done things that dishonor him as my maker and as well, God. It has been a process of discovery ever since, but I have never been in danger of dying since. The Bible says those in Christ Jesus never die. So why should I be thinking about it?

I've gotten something of a rhythm going - of all the pill taking, sweating in the sauna, detoxing... My Drew has been learning how to cook and eat with me - the ketogenic diet with no tomatoes, sugar, vinegar, pork, white flour - and this morning we had fun trying out our new juicer. I can just see Cameron's proud face as we finally start juicing - a lot!

This week I conquered a fear that is still there but that I hope continues to subside. The hyperbaric chamber hits a nerve in me. I have been afraid of being buried alive in the past. These things look like glass coffins and, once the O2 mask is strapped on tight and the seal you in the tube - there is absolutely nothing you can do to get out. The technician has to release the pressure over a 5 - 10 minute period to open the latch. I have always hated the idea of being an astronaut for exactly this reason. It is really a challenge not to panic. It reminds me of the moment you go under water while scuba diving. You are always sucking in too much air until you relax. I try to imagine that - and the wonder I always felt once I let go under the water and realized where I was and what I was seeing.

So - today my mantra is, "Jesus is setting me free through this." I'm looking for the ways that is happening. I have given away many of my most prized projects at work and I am incapable of trying to take care of everyone somehow. I had myself pretty tied up in things that made my life way too rushed and stressful, even if I loved them all.

I am being honest and letting God use this situation that can be so scary and daunting and confusing, to grow us all.

And, today I am healthy and feeling good and enjoying every moment so far. I hope you are too.