There was a time I thought I had to be "low maintenance" and brave. I prided myself on it. I told myself I had a high pain tolerance and I fought pain - labor, breaking my back, kidney stones every few years, including while in a tent in a field in Mexico. Whatever. I woke up today and knew my blood pressure was through the roof and I couldn't focus on anything. My mind went back and forth between what a weenie I am - "just think of all the people around the world suffering real pain" and - being scared to death at the prospect of being awake as someone bores a hole into each hip to get a core sample.
I got there to find out there was no twilight sleep or anesthesia planned beside a local. That's what the websites had warned me about. The lady on the phone earlier - from Cancer Centers of America -described bone marrow biopsies as "somewhat traumatic so we will call you Monday to let you recover." That didn't help me as we drove to the surgical center.
Why is it so hard to stand up for myself? I laid there, getting blood drawn, and paralyzed by fear. Then I lied and told the nurse that the doctor said I would have at least twilight sleep. She jumped into action and got the order changed. I heard someone complain that they'd have to find an anesthesiologist. My nurse curtly said, "Yep." They did, and I was so relieved. I love anesthesia. I know some people wake up nauseous and stuff. I wake up happy happy happy.
The surgical nurse told Andy and I that she has seen this procedure hundreds of times in many different scenarios and that she would NEVER have it done with a local. I felt like much less of a wimp then - and was so thankful for her saying that. I didn't know if I'd overreacted.
It was easy. And I woke up so so relieved.
Just some dull aching in my right thigh and calf this afternoon. Better now - wine with dinner helped tons. Happy happy happy.
Now, I'm sending in my medical info to Cancer Center for Healing in Irvine and trying to get the appointment at City of Hope Monday or Tuesday because I have a date with 3 little girls Wednesday - Friday - I just can't wait to hold those three! And we also have the appointment with Dr. Gedde in Colorado Springs to figure out how to get enough CBD and THC in my body to kill cancer without being stoned all the time. 😜 So does this mean people who use lots of marijuana don't get cancer as much? - I can't seem to find a study on that.
Oh ya, and the pathologist that evaluated the results from the scalpel biopsy, and thought it was normal, came to see us and did today's biopsy. She was so "normal" and honest. She talked about how she just can't believe the diagnosis because usually people are very very ill by the time they are diagnosed. She talked about how the changes in my cells and DNA were so so subtle that she still questions all of this. It was very interesting and also reassuring to meet her, kind of. She did allude to how important it is to jump on treatment with "a rare and aggressive form of lymphoma." I still won't be surprised if City of Hope tells us this is all a mistake somehow.
After she analyzed the results of the last biopsy, as always - they send it to a lab that uses the light microscope and computer to analyze the tissue samples/slides. They came up with he same "normal" result. It was only after they realized the first biopsy (needle) was positive that they all took another look and found the subtle changes. Who knows what this means - early diagnosis maybe. She said this type is so so rare that she is happy for us to go to City of Hope. I found it interesting that she said a few times, "This is too rare for a community hospital." That's not something I understood before.
What I have learned is ... you can have a real problem and still have happy, peace-filled moments. I am having one of those tonight. I hope you are too! xoxo. Cath
I got there to find out there was no twilight sleep or anesthesia planned beside a local. That's what the websites had warned me about. The lady on the phone earlier - from Cancer Centers of America -described bone marrow biopsies as "somewhat traumatic so we will call you Monday to let you recover." That didn't help me as we drove to the surgical center.
Why is it so hard to stand up for myself? I laid there, getting blood drawn, and paralyzed by fear. Then I lied and told the nurse that the doctor said I would have at least twilight sleep. She jumped into action and got the order changed. I heard someone complain that they'd have to find an anesthesiologist. My nurse curtly said, "Yep." They did, and I was so relieved. I love anesthesia. I know some people wake up nauseous and stuff. I wake up happy happy happy.
The surgical nurse told Andy and I that she has seen this procedure hundreds of times in many different scenarios and that she would NEVER have it done with a local. I felt like much less of a wimp then - and was so thankful for her saying that. I didn't know if I'd overreacted.
It was easy. And I woke up so so relieved.
Just some dull aching in my right thigh and calf this afternoon. Better now - wine with dinner helped tons. Happy happy happy.
Now, I'm sending in my medical info to Cancer Center for Healing in Irvine and trying to get the appointment at City of Hope Monday or Tuesday because I have a date with 3 little girls Wednesday - Friday - I just can't wait to hold those three! And we also have the appointment with Dr. Gedde in Colorado Springs to figure out how to get enough CBD and THC in my body to kill cancer without being stoned all the time. 😜 So does this mean people who use lots of marijuana don't get cancer as much? - I can't seem to find a study on that.
Oh ya, and the pathologist that evaluated the results from the scalpel biopsy, and thought it was normal, came to see us and did today's biopsy. She was so "normal" and honest. She talked about how she just can't believe the diagnosis because usually people are very very ill by the time they are diagnosed. She talked about how the changes in my cells and DNA were so so subtle that she still questions all of this. It was very interesting and also reassuring to meet her, kind of. She did allude to how important it is to jump on treatment with "a rare and aggressive form of lymphoma." I still won't be surprised if City of Hope tells us this is all a mistake somehow.
After she analyzed the results of the last biopsy, as always - they send it to a lab that uses the light microscope and computer to analyze the tissue samples/slides. They came up with he same "normal" result. It was only after they realized the first biopsy (needle) was positive that they all took another look and found the subtle changes. Who knows what this means - early diagnosis maybe. She said this type is so so rare that she is happy for us to go to City of Hope. I found it interesting that she said a few times, "This is too rare for a community hospital." That's not something I understood before.
What I have learned is ... you can have a real problem and still have happy, peace-filled moments. I am having one of those tonight. I hope you are too! xoxo. Cath
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ReplyDeleteI think you are low maintenance and brave. And I love you.
ReplyDelete