When the rubber meets the road

The Tiger in the Corner One of the doctors I see at the Cancer Center for Healing in Irvine (Von Schaefer) describes my situation like having a Tiger in the Corner. You can ’ t take your eyes off of it; it needs constant attention. She claims it is all about diet and mental state for lymphomas and leukemias.  This analogy is helping me conceptualize where I ’ m at right now. I struggle to justify what it seems to take for me to keep this tiger tamed and quietly sitting in the corner. As I ’ ve explained before, this lymphoma is supposed to be a “ wild fire cancer. ” It isn ’ t behaving as such in my case – hopefully all I am doing for it, and all the prayer on my behalf, is why. I have just completed 2 months of working full-time, traveling for work and family, living with dear friends, and essentially hoping the tiger was tamed sufficiently enough that I could do all I have been doing without it pouncing. I haven ’ t kept up on much of the regimen I ’ ve learned...

Hi There, I hope this finds you and yours well and thriving! I'm back in the IV chair after having taken a break from this part of healing. I was looking forward to this new protocol but I'm afraid that now, 6 hours into what was to be a 4 hour day of an appointment to access my port, an hour in the hyperbaric chamber, and a "2 hour" IV, I am coming to realize the reality of this new initiative. It's going to take a lot of time. And...I don't feel well when I'm getting this high of a dose of Vitamin C and the Mistletoe can make a person feel flu-ish and induce a favorable fever. What was excitement has turned to some melancholy. Just for reference, just the Mistletoe for this month, not the administration of it or anything else, costs $1300.00 and I may need to stay on it for a long time. The doctor in Boulder ordered tests in Germany to see which type of Mistletoe (I'll paste a page in below explaining Mistletoe) might work best for me via IV an...

If you are reading this, you are one of the people who care about me. To say thank you seems silly. To know I am cared about enough for busy people to take time to keep up on something like this blesses me deeply. I'm sorry I have been so quiet. Thank you to those of you nudging me to get caught up. It has been a whirlwind of a summer. We sold our house of 25 years, agreed to a 30 day escrow, and then I got sick. It was a flu that I just couldn't shake. It ate up the 30 days I should have been organizing and packing; Andy gladly did most of it. Dear friends and my sisters swept in at the last minute to make getting out of the house possible. In the meantime, my doctor leveled with me in that continuing to work when my body was unable to overcome the bug that was plaguing me day after day, was what could take someone in my position down. I had to stop working the last month or so of the spring semester - to focus on getting well. I did, and thankfully, overcame. We then move...

Yesterday felt like a watershed day. After the normal frustrations of records not being sent to the right doctor (nothing goes smoothly at the Cancer Center for Healing), we met with Dr. Virginia Von Shaefer to hear the verdict. It does feel that way - like you are walking into a courtroom to see if all of your efforts are going to be rewarded or if life could take a more difficult turn. What we crave as patients and loved ones is some certainty. As usual, the reality is that there really isn't any. The report from the radiologist states that there is some mild (my word) progression of disease from about a year ago when I had the last PET scan. I am relieved because a year ago the City of Hope expert in T-Cell Lymphoma and the pathologists there determined that the cancer was doubling every 34 days, which it clearly is not. I so wish I could forget her parting words, "You can wait to start chemo - but don't wait too long." Ugh. What does that mean? Dr. Virginia ...

That is exactly how I feel right now - Fine, just fine. Safe. As I think I wrote about before, it became crystal clear to me a couple weeks ago that the doubting, questioning, suspicious, confused mind that I have battled for over a year about treatments, supplements, herbs, experts, costs, differing opinions, blah, blah, blah - finally gave way to the very clear realization that, as long as I am praying and trusting the Living God who made me and loves me more and better than anyone else, including myself, I can be at peace. He sees the future and knows how my story unfolds. And I can trust him, completely. I am not putting my trust in doctors; I am putting my trust in God himself. It has taken the angst out of my life. Granted, I am a leaky vessel. I know that the only way to keep my mind in such a place is to be constantly refilled by being in his Word and in prayer. But I am singing again with my favorite songs in the new little fun car he plopped into my life (a used mini co...

Up until a few weeks ago, I had felt pretty good most of the time, except when I got a vaccine created for me for an Epstein Barr Virus that was active. It made me worse; the herbalist I go to gave me an awful tasting concoction that seemed to help. The lymph nodes in my neck even went down. But 2.5 weeks ago, I got the flu and I haven't been able to shake it. In fact, I ended up with a UTI, had to take a Z-pack, only for my kidneys to start to hurt like an infection. I haven't had a UTI or kidney infection in years, and I have dealt with kidney stones a hand full of times, so I know what kidney pain is. I went in for testing yesterday and spent an excruciating day at the Cancer Center for Healing, trying to get fit in to my doctor's too busy schedule. After meeting with her, we decided I am jeopardizing my health by working. I just can't keep up on all the appointments and the daily regimen that seems to keep the lymphoma at bay - especially as infection seems to be ...

I was reminded of this favorite verse this week when I looked for a brick I bought that was engraved and placed on campus as part of a fundraiser. I completely forgot what I had put on it. I wrote my name, Romans 5:4, With Love. It has been important to me personally, and has also been the verse I have used to lead me as an educator. To paraphrase, it says that perseverance is what creates character in us and that character is what gives us hope. (Later it goes on to assert that the resulting hope in God does not disappoint). As a person who has struggled with depression much of my life, this verse has been an important glimpse into how God sees the growth of hope - it comes from perseverance and character. I don't often share with students that it is a Bible verse, but I have the discussion with them often when they feel down; that they will see the light as they keep trying and don't give up. They will continue to develop into the person they want to be. It's infallible...