When the rubber meets the road

Yesterday felt like a watershed day. After the normal frustrations of records not being sent to the right doctor (nothing goes smoothly at the Cancer Center for Healing), we met with Dr. Virginia Von Shaefer to hear the verdict. It does feel that way - like you are walking into a courtroom to see if all of your efforts are going to be rewarded or if life could take a more difficult turn. What we crave as patients and loved ones is some certainty. As usual, the reality is that there really isn't any. The report from the radiologist states that there is some mild (my word) progression of disease from about a year ago when I had the last PET scan. I am relieved because a year ago the City of Hope expert in T-Cell Lymphoma and the pathologists there determined that the cancer was doubling every 34 days, which it clearly is not. I so wish I could forget her parting words, "You can wait to start chemo - but don't wait too long." Ugh. What does that mean? Dr. Virginia ...

That is exactly how I feel right now - Fine, just fine. Safe. As I think I wrote about before, it became crystal clear to me a couple weeks ago that the doubting, questioning, suspicious, confused mind that I have battled for over a year about treatments, supplements, herbs, experts, costs, differing opinions, blah, blah, blah - finally gave way to the very clear realization that, as long as I am praying and trusting the Living God who made me and loves me more and better than anyone else, including myself, I can be at peace. He sees the future and knows how my story unfolds. And I can trust him, completely. I am not putting my trust in doctors; I am putting my trust in God himself. It has taken the angst out of my life. Granted, I am a leaky vessel. I know that the only way to keep my mind in such a place is to be constantly refilled by being in his Word and in prayer. But I am singing again with my favorite songs in the new little fun car he plopped into my life (a used mini co...

Up until a few weeks ago, I had felt pretty good most of the time, except when I got a vaccine created for me for an Epstein Barr Virus that was active. It made me worse; the herbalist I go to gave me an awful tasting concoction that seemed to help. The lymph nodes in my neck even went down. But 2.5 weeks ago, I got the flu and I haven't been able to shake it. In fact, I ended up with a UTI, had to take a Z-pack, only for my kidneys to start to hurt like an infection. I haven't had a UTI or kidney infection in years, and I have dealt with kidney stones a hand full of times, so I know what kidney pain is. I went in for testing yesterday and spent an excruciating day at the Cancer Center for Healing, trying to get fit in to my doctor's too busy schedule. After meeting with her, we decided I am jeopardizing my health by working. I just can't keep up on all the appointments and the daily regimen that seems to keep the lymphoma at bay - especially as infection seems to be ...

I was reminded of this favorite verse this week when I looked for a brick I bought that was engraved and placed on campus as part of a fundraiser. I completely forgot what I had put on it. I wrote my name, Romans 5:4, With Love. It has been important to me personally, and has also been the verse I have used to lead me as an educator. To paraphrase, it says that perseverance is what creates character in us and that character is what gives us hope. (Later it goes on to assert that the resulting hope in God does not disappoint). As a person who has struggled with depression much of my life, this verse has been an important glimpse into how God sees the growth of hope - it comes from perseverance and character. I don't often share with students that it is a Bible verse, but I have the discussion with them often when they feel down; that they will see the light as they keep trying and don't give up. They will continue to develop into the person they want to be. It's infallible...

It's been awhile. I've been trying hard to just stay the course, in faith, giving up doubting my path for lent. It has been a challenge but it helps to think, "Just for now, I have promised not to worry or let my mind go back and forth with all the "ya, but's" that keep me from real peace." Still taking all the basic supplements 3x/ day, cannabis suppositories 2 x/day, Chinese herbs 4x/day, changed waters and colloidal silver 4x/day, coffee enemas on Sundays now because I just can't do them during the week with work, epson salt baths a couple times a week. I continue on the Gallium Maltolate; I've committed for 2 months and I'm about 3 weeks in. I started 3 new substances about 10 days ago that are made from sea vegetables that are supposed to work on the heavy electron load in cancer cells. I was very much hoping that these new things would turn around a troubling and painful swelling and stiffness that has taken over my hands and pr...

Sorry if my last post was a bit pessimistic. I am not good at faking the pollyanna thing. I don't go back and read the old posts but, judging by some of the concern it caused, I gather I wasn't real peppy. Last week was tough. I've developed some kind of a condition where my hands and feet swell, sometimes my left ankle and the back of my left calf and knee, and my elbows are sore when I get up in the morning. Knees hurt a lot. The joints in my big right toe and left pointer and tall finger are very painful all the time. Sometimes my wrists hurt badly. It's weird because it moves around. I can't find a diet connection. Exercise and anti-inflammatory substances don't help. I got myself all worked up when I went to see Dr. Virginia at the Cancer Center for Healing last week. I had in mind that,  I have 2 choices: go to the oncologist for a PET scan and probable biopsy on the hard lymph node on my hip, to be followed by the full chemo/bone marrow transplant ord...

I tend to write in this blog when I've gone through a valley and have come out the other side. My friend, Steve, who seems to always know exactly how to encourage me called it "coming back to center." I like that idea. We both know that means when I come back to the feet of Jesus - it's the only safe and peaceful place and it is my center. Today I am not through the valley, however. Since October, my hands and feet, left ankle and back of the knee, and sometimes my elbows swell up for no reason. I can no longer wear rings and my hands are very weak and painful. It isn't subsiding anymore and is getting worse by the day. I've stopped all supplements, herbs, tinctures, tonics to try to see if something I am doing is triggering the inflammation. I've gone raw vegan for 3 weeks and been growing and eating my own sprouts, soaking, sprouting, and dehydrating my own nuts and seeds, have eaten much more raw fruits and veggies since getting home. I also did a s...